Side Salad

THIS JUST IN

There's been no word from Willie, who's positioned at the Side Salad Doppler 2000 Weather Center in North Carolina. We fear he may be among the hundreds of thousands who remain without power due to Hurricane Isabel.

We have, however, established a supplementary weather forecast bureau in Virginia, which also was slammed by the storm. Weather personality Tammy, a former colleague when we both were working part-time for AOHell, files this report.

EDITOR'S NOTE: This account is two-thirds more bitchy and whiny than anything Willie could ever conjure up.

So, Isabel did her thing here. While I was anticipating her arrival, I knew that I could last awhile without any power, if awhile meant 10 minutes or so. Much to my surprise, awhile turned out to be 27 hours. That's 27 mind-numbing, excruciating, pleasegodmakeitstop hours.

I know they say adversity brings out the best in people and will sometimes lead to some serious soul-searching, but I can tell you that all I felt was deep hatred for people who still had power. I did do some soul searching and realized that I AM NO PIONEER WOMAN NOR DO I EVER WISH TO BE ONE. I need electricity. I need lights to come on with a flick of my wrist. I need cold refrigerators. I need every modern convenience that is available to man. I could never exist in a third world country.

The only reason I would ever visit a third world country is to tell them about the joys of electricity and encourage them all to flee to somewhere that has it. I couldn't even revel in my misery because some people still don't have power and won't get it for weeks. Fucking martyrs.

When my power was finally restored, my relief and ecstasy was almost sexual. I wanted to embrace my lamps and tell them how much I missed them. I wanted to rub myself all over the rapidly cooling freezer and never let go. I wanted to run through the streets shouting, "Power! Power! I have it and you don't, suckers". It's not that I don't have empathy for people's pain, it's just that I can do it better when I'm comfortable and it's not affecting me. I am very good at glancing at others with pity, especially if I'm in my air-conditioned, lights a-blazing, frozen food environment.

Otherwise I'm just a stone-cold bitch who is very likely to body-check an elderly woman for the last gallon of water.