September 26, 2003


I had some time to kill the other day while waiting for a store to open, so my son and I went across the street to a consignment flea market inside an abandoned Kmart to see what kind of weirdness we could find.

Oh. My. God.

If you hadn't noticed by now, I have a fondness for crap. Better stated, I have a weakness for crap that is presented as a valuable, and often precious, retail item. All it takes for currency to exchange hands, the seller seems to assume, is for someone to love the item with the same delusional power that it took for them to put it out for sale in the first place.

So, join me, would you, for a tour through the CSN (Crap Shopping Network.):

Perched oh-so delicately upon a wooden, hand-painted mount, this patriotic eagle plate displays a rotating red-white-and-blue background that spins like a pinwheel while illuminated from within by a lightbulb. The cumulative effect is not unlike some psychotic reaction Betsy Ross might have experienced had she been snorting peyote and mescaline during a weekend coke bender with Paul Revere. Retail price: $22.99

The original title of this book was, "How I Learned To Ruin Everyone's Existence On This Earth In Order To Pursue A Few Fleeting Dollars Through Rampant Bitching And Moaning About Petty And Meaningless Things; The Diary Of A Miserable Schmuck." Alas, the publisher couldn't fit it on the book jacket. The irony here would be for someone to buy it and then complain to the vendor who is selling this book. Hoo. Hee. Ha. Oh, I hate it when irony makes me laugh so vigorously. Retail price: 25 cents

There was no title for this cookbook. Had there been, I would imagine it would be something like, "Meat And Olives: When Worlds Collide." Retail price: $1

So, you've got a couple extra bucks after pay day and your car could use a little tender loving care? Maybe a zebra-striped, purple velour personalized monogrammed dash cover is what you need to say to passing motorists, "Hey world, check me out!"

Then again, you might want to review your vocabulary protocol for when to drop the "w." Retail price: $39.99

Posted by Jeff at September 26, 2003 07:37 AM | TrackBack