August 28, 2003
HI. HO.
Undeterred by the stupidity of their last quacking event, the Tampa flash mob is about to spring forth yet again. This weekend's unsuspecting target?
University Square Mall in Tampa at 4 p.m. Saturday.
As with last weekend's duck walk around International Plaza, the instructions for this week are just as insipid.
Start to arrive at around 4 p.m. and park in the area of Ruby Tuesdays and make your way to the Food Court area of the mall. If you have never been there before feel free to ask anyone where the food court is.
The no-shit quality of these directions astound me, really.
Feel free to purchase yourself a refreshment from any of the restaraunts in the food court and eat all of the samples of food that are being handed out.
Gee, do you think these instructions have been lawyered in any way, say, to keep from being arrested as trespassers?
Take a seat anywhere in the food court and act natural as not to be noticed by any bystanders. Do not talk loudly about the event. Keep it hush hush.
And on the Q.T. Just like last time. Got it.
At 4:21 P.M. SHARP stand up and head towards the down escalator. Start singing "Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Off To Work We Go" as soon as you start walking. Fall into a single file line and head down the escalator.
Oh, this is rich. Add another dwarf to the group: Dumbass.
Here are the lyrics to "Hi Ho, Hi Ho"
Hi-ho, Hi-ho It's off to work we go
(Whistle)
Hi-ho, Hi-ho, Hi-ho
You know, if you're too stupid to know the lyrics already, do me a favor and stay at home. We don't need people like you behind the wheel careening your way toward University Square.
Continously sing the song as we travel down the escalator and during the march in a single file line down to the front of The Disney Store!
Let me stop this train here for a moment.
So, it's not bad enough you're doing something that, technically, should prevent you from attracting sexual partners for the next three decades. You're going to voluntarily pimp yourself out for the gods at Disney in the process?
Hold my hair while I vomit, will you?
Once at the bottom of the escalator make a u turn and head toward the center of the mall. Take a left once you reach the center and the Disney Store will be the right. Once at the front of the Disney Store form a semi circle facing the front of the Disney Store. When the last "dwarf" is in place finish singing the last "Hi Ho" and pause for 3 seconds. Then start to sing The Mickey Mouse Club Song.
Damn. I was hoping to sing "I'm A Complete And Total Corporate Tool."
If you need to , print a copy of the lyrics and keep them in your pocket.
Please see note above.
Here are the lyrics to The Mickey Mouse Club Song:
Oh, Christ.
Who's the leader of the club
That's made for you and me?
Here comes the heaving again.
M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E!
Oh the humanity!
Hey, there! Hi, there! Ho, there!
You're as welcome as can be!
Mommy, make them stop...
M--I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E!
For the love of all things holy and sacred...
Mickey Mouse! Donald Duck!
Mickey Mouse! Donald Duck!
This must be the psychic and symbolic connection with last week's stupid-ass event.
Forever let us hold our banners high!
High! High! High!
This part of the song always struck me as being Nazi-like. As if they were just an L away from saying "Heil!"
Come along and sing a song
And join the jamboree
Oh, do I hafta?
M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E
Keeee-rist, what a bunch of losers.
At the end of the song we all take a bow toward the Disney Store then turn away from the store and take another bow. Then we break into a 1 minute applause and after we head out on our own way.
Could this get more masturbatory?
I'll spare you the rest of the instructions. Suffice to say they include admonitions against making purchases of large packages that would inhibit participation and instructions on how and when to address the media.
What's funny is how this thing has morphed since the last event. There's been a proposal to buy a banner ad. Someone bitched about it only being on weekends. Another offered to host it at his store. (How charitable and profit conscious!)
Oh, here's one last morsel of directions goodness:
Remember this is our 3rd event and we now have over 400 members. This will continue to grow and we will be
having many events planned in the future. They may be events during the week and at many times of the day. Just make it to all of the events that you can.
I already am, pal. I already am.