July 16, 2003
TWO WORDS I DIDN'T NEED TO HEAR:>br>BIKINI TOPIARY
It appears that the folks who brought us the Micro-Screen Shaver and the semi-automatic rifle have introduced a new pube-whacking tool.
Hey, whatever floats your boat. I'm all in favor of reducing the prickly pear factor as much as possible down there. Wax on, wax off, Daniel-san.
What I found interesting are the tidbits the company throws at you on its Web site. It claims to have research indicating that:
**15 percent of women in a survey conducted by Remington have taken bikini topiary to the bedroom to hot things up and increase intimacy
Interesting... I wasn't aware that hot was a verb.
More from the little shavers:
**36 percent of women said that they have trimmed a shape into their pubic hair (often using scissors - ouch!). Hearts were the most popular, but other shapes such as stars and rectangles also featured - one woman even trimmed in her boyfriend's initials.
Here's hoping his name wasn't Harry Osbourne.
More survey results: 27 percent said that they have had a "Brazillian" hair trim. (So named because of the ability to wear the skimpiest bikini on the beaches of Rio.) A full 22 percent said that they have had a "Hollywood" trim.
I was previously unaware of what a "Hollywood" was. All I can say after a brief bit of Internet investigation is: "Yikes." Then again, you know what they say; grass don't grow on a race track.
I'm waiting for Remington to come out with a dual-carb, 20-valve Bush Hog that'll exfolliate some of these primordial cavemen I see at the gym who appear to be growing the Amazon rainforest across their shoulder blades. Christ, these guys have hair in places monkeys don't.
In what could be seen as a plea for pube sanity, one Henry Panky (His friends call him Hanky, I guess) argues that there is a follicular crisis afoot.
A previously unknown fact: Every year over 2 million square miles of pubic hair are clear cut or torn out by the roots, much of it in virgin and "old growth" stands.