SIDE SALAD - Everything crunchy is good.

HANG ON SLOOPY
SLOOPY HANG ON

Boy, the stuff you get in the mail.

Like this advertisement for "Sloops," a "unique loopless 5-pocket jean." (For a larger version of the ad, click here.)



How unique, you may ask rhetorically? They tell the reader breathlessly that the design is "patent pending." As in "Sloops (patent pending) are meant to be supported by and worn with suspenders. Sloops (patent pending) were created to complement and fit the physique of the typical suspender wearer (no hips, no rear end)."

What are some of the features of this unique design?

"Relaxed front"? Isn't that a euphemism for "baggy crotch"? I'd have to think so.



So, this is the relaxed fit? I should have known. The thumbs were a dead giveaway.

Uh, wait. What's that well-worn white spot on the front to the left of the zipper.

Nevermind. I don't want to know.

Nor do I want to know what's inspiring this look:



I mean, that bemused grin is straight out of a male enhancement commercial. He could be this guy's not-so-distant cousin.

Perhaps he's merely enjoying the benefits of this claim:



You mean, this is all mathematical? And all I'd have to do is add Double-Ups? What are those? Anything like Pull-Ups for Grown-Ups?



Ah, I see.



Wait. I was told there would be no math.

But they're right. It does all add up when you think about it. To this, of course.

Ah, the satisfaction of well-crafted active menswear. Is there any wonder why women find us so irresistable?