July 01, 2004
SPORT/NOT A SPORT
My former employer has a story discussing various sports and whether the participants qualify as athletes.
There's some nice, snarky writing here. I like reading stuff with an edge.
Here's the take on...
Golfers: "When one of the game's finest — Colin Montgomerie — resembles some unholy coupling of Willie Ames and the Michelin Man, you're not dealing with a sport long on exacting athletic requirements."
Cyclists: "Is, say, winning the Tour de France an unspeakably impressive feat of endurance? To be sure, but then again, so is having sex with Sting."
Bowlers: "They participate in a sport that "can be performed at a high level while drunk and incontinent with nachos."
Jockeys: "Job requirements: have an eating disorder and be able to beat a horse in the ass with a riding crop. Athlete or Calista Flockhart with a bestial fetish? You decide."
Race Car Drivers: "As for drivers in general, their victory celebrations are unspeakably lame. They do donuts in the infield, pop out the driver's side window à la Bo Duke, stand on the hood, quaff deeply from whatever beverage they endorse and get trash thrown at them by soused rednecks. Then they smoke a Winston, shop at Home Depot, slam a Bud, make out with a Golden Corral race queen, order a Papa John's pizza with their Nextel mobile phone, brush their teeth with Valvoline, use Craftsman tools to eat Swanson Hungry Man Dinners, paint their dogs with the help of Sherwin Williams, make their kids eat Levitra and Folgers' Crystals, set up a meth lab behind their local Food City and otherwise behave as the inveterate whores of brand loyalty that they are.
The only thing drivers have in common with real athletes is their propensity for non-pre-nupped marriages to Hooters' waitresses and Budweiser promotional models. An expensive habit, that."
Hunters: "Wanna get back to nature? Put down the Sony Watchman telecast of the Lions game, exit the Hummer, adjust your man-boobs and take on a Kodiak using only a Sumerian scraping tool. Otherwise, stop calling yourself an athlete."