September 19, 2004


Britney Spears is married. Again. Her latest beau: former backup dancer Kevin Federline, 26.
This time, it's forever.
News reports say her mother and sister were among about 20 "stunned family members and friends at Saturday's nuptials. According to Access Hollywood, which spent Saturday afternoon with [mom] Lynne and [sister] Jamie Lynn, the family was preparing for an engagement party."
The Associated Press breathlessly reports:
It's the second time this year Britney has pulled a fast one on her family. On Jan. 3, she got hitched in jeans to childhood chum Jason Alexander in Las Vegas. That marriage, characterized by Spears' camp as "a joke (taken) too far," was annulled 55 hours later.
If you ignore the fact that she's been married twice in nine months and give her the benefit of the doubt, she's essentially been married twice during her 22 years. That's one marriage every 11 years. On paper, this isn't so radical.
A few clicks through Google reveal that the average American woman lives to 82 years old. Assuming Britney acquires room temperature at that age and she holds her current pace, statistically Britney can be expected to finish with about 7.6 marriages. In other words, more than Halle Berry, but less than Mickey Rooney.
If you instead measure her weddings starting this year - and assume she won't divorce and remarry a third or a fourth time before Dec. 31 - she'll consume the souls of 120 grooms before she takes the dirt nap.
Under any standard, that's an impressive level of connubial consumption.
The news report continues:
This five-minute wedding was held at 7:30 p.m. at the home of the tailor who created the bridal party's tuxedos, according to Star magazine's Web site. Star reports Spears wore a strapless white dress by designer Monique Lhuillier, with long veil and tiara, and that she carried a bouquet of pink and white roses.
Five bridesmaids and the maid of honor wore burgundy dresses and carried red roses. The groom and his groomsmen wore black tuxes.
Burgundy? Ewwwwww. How 1983 prom. The "Queer Eye" guys are never around when you need them.
Guests dined on chicken fingers, crab cakes, ribs, Waldorf salad, and the newlyweds danced to Journey's City by the Bay. Britney gave Kevin a platinum ring with diamonds, and she got a platinum band.
I hope her band is expandable. With a diet like that, Kevin, your blushing bride is gonna pack on the pounds.

Britney marries a childhood friend. For 50 hours.
Britney swaps spit with the Rosetta Stone of Skank.
Britney poses for photos that make her look even more plastic and lifeless than she already is.
Britney, as she would look if she hit the all-you-can-eat Seafood Lovers Special at Red Lobster every night for six months.
Britney runs a restaurant into the ground.
Britney has an evil twin available for parties.
Britney and George cut a rug.
Britney proves the axiom: Beer affects the way males respond to females. Posted by Jeff at September 19, 2004 10:13 PM | TrackBack

I bet her deck is being swabbed now! =P

Posted by: Cupie at September 19, 2004 11:29 PM