SIDE SALAD - Everything crunchy is good.

LIFE IN THE SLOW LANE

When I was a reporter in Anchorage, I would hear hilarious stories about people who had passed through the doors of the newsroom. Alaska was chock full of characters. Something about being in the largest state in the union loosened the shackles of the personalities of people who lived there. In a large place, they too could live large.
So you'd hear about rather, um, complex individuals who had worked at The Anchorage Times. Like the guy who rubbed his ears the closer it got to deadline. And the religion writer who liked to sing in the john because she liked the acoustics.
I started remembering all this over the weekend while I was cleaning my garage. I stumbled across a packet of clips I had made on my way out of town, copies of a column that once was written by a woman named Corinne Carson Blair.
I don't know the full story of who she was - a longtime Anchorage resident, Corinne had been a friend of a friend at the paper, if I recall correctly. Someone thought she had a rather unique take on life, so they gave her a regular column on the bottom of the Metro page. I heard she smoked so much that some in the newsroom called her Corinne Carcinogen Blair.
In that column, called "Life In The Slow Lane," she'd write about three or four totally non-relatable subjects. Every now and then she'd throw in a mention of her friend, Pudj, or her husband, Big H. If I didn't know better, I'd swear that Jack Handey had used them as the basis for his "Deep Thoughts" bits on Saturday Night Live.
Anyway, I've stumbled across this packet of clips in previous years and shared it with friends. Read enough of her one-liners and you start to feel your head elevate with psychotropic hallucinations. Their simplicity and banality have a way of freeing you from the real world. If Lithium came in word form, this would be it.
So here are some of them. Make sure you don't operate any heavy machinery for at least an hour after reading these:

My friend Pudj's daughter, Kristen, wears contact lenses instead of glasses, and I asked why. Pudj said it is one of the mysteries of the universe.
* * * * I wonder - if pocket billiards were included as an extracurricular activity in the school system, would school enrollment increase?
* * * * Everyone looks ridiculous chewing gum.
* * * * Probably the two most important partners in my life are my husband and my dog ... and in that order.
* * * * What sounds more proper, toilet tissue or toilet paper? It is decisions like these that I find hard to make.
* * * * Next time you're at the grocery store, don't forget the cranberry juice. It's supposed to be good for you.
* * * * In 1951, I rode in the same elevator with Alfred Hitchcock.
* * * * My story "Put The Fun Back In Funerals" started out as a book, then I cut it down to a novelette, then a brochure, then a pamphlet, and now it's just a flyer.
* * * * Just because a person has a lot of money doesn't mean they have to spend it.
* * * * There was actually a time when I bought back a sweater I had donated to the Good Will.
* * * * "Small talk" sounds simple, but it is not.
* * * * I have made up a ton of parlor games. My favorites are "Knee Deep In Trouble," "Whose Nose?" and "Pennies From Heaven."
* * * * I have a friend who thinks "preppy" means something to do with a baby.
* * * * No, I have never been to Europe.
* * * * Boy George, break dancing and fiber are three subjects my husband cannot relate to.
* * * * Isn't it wonderful that there are so many uses for the paper towel?
* * * * My friend Pudj told me that there seemed to be more dandelions last summer than she can ever remember. I asked Pudj the reason why this unusual growth ... and well, Pudj did not have an answer.
* * * * There is no such thing as a minimizer bra when you are a 34-D cup.
* * * * On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd give myself a 6.5.
* * * * I never badmouth my husband's relatives.* * * * I have started biting my fingernails but there is nothing going on in my life to be nervous about ... except my dentist wishes to be paid in advance before he sees me again. It seems that I have an extensive dental program ahead of me, like three root canals, new bridge work, two gold crowns and a partridge in a pear tree!
* * * * My sister Kit is allergic to cats and that's a fact.
* * * * I feel fortunate after five children that I don't have stretch marks.
* * * * Some people might feel lot better about themselves if they would just wear one size larger.
* * * * Why, I have eaten so many tossed salads, I swear I have acquired a slight but noticeable hop in my step.
* * * * The car that I am driving must have brakes that work and a horn that honks.
* * * * We know someone - and I won't mention his name - who would never eat a tuna surprise.
* * * * Figure you have had a nice day when you have had a good laugh and a private rap session with the Lord.
* * * * My son Peter called the other day and asked me what is stronger, rubber cement or Super Glue ... gee, I do not know, and I am not going to bother Pudj on this one.
* * * * I wonder if it really is lonely at the top.
* * * * In our family we try to live by the advice our dear Grandma Kitty offered ... "We can do anything we ought to do." * * * * There is something infectious about a wheezy laugh.
* * * * I would like to explain how my husband "Big H" acquired his nickname. He is 6 feet 6 1/2 inches tall and his first name is Harry.
* * * * My daughter and husband live in Denver and they have been "ripped off" (excuse the expression) four times - or maybe five times - in less than a four-year period. When I say ripped off, I'm talking robbed with a capital R. Lord save us, cried the duck. These kids are just starting out. Whoever you are out there in Denver, pick on someone else.
There, I've said my piece.
* * * * This may sound a little morbid, but sure, I have had brushes with death ...however, I don't think about it very often.
* * * * My son Edwin suggested to me at one time: To make things a little simpler, when you invitefriends over for dinner, suggest to them that they might eat a little bite before they come.
* * * * No, I've never met my mother-in-law.
* * * * Anyone in their right mind would certainly rather tip-toe through the tulips.
* * * * I lost my purse in San Francisco. I left it on a cable car, honest to God. I f you can believe it, after only an hour's search, I found my purse - intact. I would just like to thank whoever you are for your honesty; it is comforting to now that there are still lots of honest people in the world.
Let me refresh your memory. The incident took place in September of 1974, the purse was tan leather, not vinyl, with a gold clasp for opening and closing. It was left at the manager's desk on the second level at the Fairmont Hotel, where I was not staying but happen to love walking through the lobbies.

Posted by Jeff at November 2, 2004 06:13 AM | TrackBack