SIDE SALAD - Everything crunchy is good.

LIKE MY BODDDDYYYYYY?

I wet my pants every time Michelle at A Small Victory posts this story about a "blonde psuedo-actress/celebrity who shall remain nameless here, but who is easily identifiable by the stature of her breasts and her hips and by the fortunes of her now dead, but then elderly and frail, husband and whom we shall call "A" so as not to place me in the path of people searching google for naked pictures of this model/B-movie actress/celebrity." But it's definitely not about Anna Nicole Smith. Not at all.

It's only coincidence that Michelle's reposting came after Ms. Smith made a... how do you say in America... supremely psychotic introduction this week at the American Music Awards. Now, apparently, it was her eyes that caused all the problems. Click here to see the video. You make the call.

Anyway, Michelle tells about the time that "A" made an appearance at the funeral for one of her relatives. You owe it to yourself to read the whole thing. Especially the part where she's petting her fur coat.

But this part elicits peals of laughter from unnatural places of my psyche. Mostly because I can imagine it happening in my family:

And with that comment, the doors to the room swing open and A walks in with a sweeping gesture and stands there, waiting to be noticed and admired. When no one stands up to applaud her entrance, she saunters her way towards the coffin, flipping her hair as she walks. She gets to the coffin, looks down at the man she barely knew yet whom was apparently a father figure to her, turns her head to make sure she has our rapt attention, and begins to wail. She's incoherent, crying, sobbing, and there is not a person in the room who doesn't know that it is all an act. We've seen her movies. We know bad acting when we see it. Suddenly she puts the back of her hand up to her forehead, 50's movie star style, and falls to the floor in a faint. No one moves to help her. She lays there, hand still on forehead, skirt hiked up, a spectacle on display. Finally, the director/relative comes over, picks her up and walks her out to the chair in the hallway.

God, I love that.

In somewhat related news, E! has marked down their Anna Nicole bobbleheads. Probably because the doll is unrealistically sober.

While you're there, you can navigate Anna through a video game. Oh, and apparently there's a working title for an upcoming True Hollywood Story.

Lastly, the outtake photos Yahoo has of her AMA extravaganza are well worth a look:

The guy in front looks amused, doesn't he?

There's something very Michael Jackson-ish about this photo. Maybe it's the nose.

"Hey, look at my brains!"

Piddle alert on Aisle 5.

Dog's thoughts: "Kill. Me. Now."

"The itsy, titsy spiiiiider went up the waterspout..."

Posted by Jeff at November 19, 2004 07:12 AM | TrackBack