SIDE SALAD - Everything crunchy is good.

I AM THE ONE

One of the auxilliary benefits to having the reputation I have is that I often don't have to go far for tales of stupidity. My legion of friends feel compelled to fill my melon with plenty of oddities they find along their way.
Frequently - sometimes twice or thrice a week - I'll receive multiple copies of the same story from acquaintances and amigos from far-flung parts of the world. And I am always glad for their missives.
In a sense, they consider me somewhat of a repository, a safe haven for their darkest e-mails, the ones that make them laugh when they shouldn't.
These are esteemed colleagues, people of great import and talent like Willie Drye, author of Storm of the Century: The Labor Day Hurricane of 1935. Willie writes so often, he's spawned a Salad Bowl mini-series.
His latest e-mail arrived this week:

Sent: Saturday, April 02, 2005 9:02 AM Subject: Oops

Has Fox heard about this? I'm surprised they didn't try it first.

Error puts strippers on public access TV

POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y. - Viewers expecting to see the latest local meeting on their public access channel got an eyeful recently when Cablevision played a tape of nude dancers accidentally.

The mistake affected customers in parts of Dutchess, Ulster, Putnam and Orange counties.

Hopewell Junction resident George Morton returned home from Palm Sunday Mass and turned on his television to see a striptease contest.

"I thought, this is terrible," Morton said. "I don't get HBO or anything like that."

Cablevision said Thursday it was not a public access program and that a "program switching error" occurred.

"When it was detected, the programming was removed immediately," Cablevision spokesman Bill Powers said. "We have taken appropriate steps to prevent this from happening again."

Morton said he planned to file a complaint with the Federal Communications Commission.

Ahem.

Where was I? Oh yes. I am Jeff, the quicker-picker-upper of stupidity...

Anyway, in a metaphorical sense, I have become Neo from "The Matrix"; I absorb the energy from their potentially deadly bullets as a way of sacrificing myself for their greater good and, thus, I become stronger in spirit as a result of their contributions.

So it only stands to reason that my friend Scott in New York City would send me this:

Sent: Thursday, April 07, 2005 10:48 AM
Subject: Brilliant!

A COMBINATION of 36 cockroach bombs and an oven pilot light has blown apart a Thai restaurant in Perth, injuring three men, two seriously.

A massive explosion rocked suburban Duncraig today after chemicals released during last night's do-it-yourself fumigation ignited, blowing out the back wall and lifting the roof off the Tamarind restaurant.

The blast caused an estimated $500,000 damage, fire authorities said.

And to think I was planning to order Thai takeout tonight. Gracias, amigo.

Posted by Jeff at April 8, 2005 08:16 AM