SIDE SALAD - Everything crunchy is good.

SOMEBODY NEED A GLICK FIX?

Last night, Martin Short hosted "Larry King Live" as the character Jiminy Glick. I love Glick because he totally nails everything fake and phony about TV. Which is to say, all of it.

During one point in the show, he interviewed Larry King. It was like watching an Escher drawing:

GLICK: I'm Jiminy Glick and this is my first guest of the show, and he's so excited because he claims to be someone of international renown, and his name is Larry King.

Larry, how are you?

L. KING: I am so glad to be here. What do you mean by "claims"?

GLICK: Well, because no one -- there some people who question really who you are and what you've done.

L. KING: Really?

GLICK: Not people I know, because I think you're wonderful, I really do.

L. KING: I didn't know that people did question that.

GLICK: People who have been interviewed by you, on the way out, they say, what just happened? Did I just -- did a sandbag hit me in the head? Don't tell that that's going to air. But I think that your gifts of an interviewer is that very much likely you don't listen and do no research. And in a way, that's your strength. What do you think of that, what I just said to you, Larry.

L. KING: You're wrong! Because I do listen.

GLICK: You do listen.

L. KING: I don't do a lot of research. I'm too busy writing books.

GLICK: Just discuss this. There are over -- look at this. There are over -- how many books here?

L. KING: Thirteen I've written, but you have doubles of some.

GLICK: And the secret to your writing, I believe, is that no one reads them, is that true? But, what exactly -- so again, you do what?

L. KING: I try to ask the best questions I can...

GLICK: And then when that doesn't happen, what do you then?

L. KING: I make good eye contact, I try to look right at them. And I just listen to their answers and then follow up off the answer. Of course, if I preplan, then I don't know what they're going to say.

GLICK: Because you're too busy looking at notes.

L. KING: I don't look at notes.

GLICK: Exactly. When people criticize you...

L. KING: I don't care.

GLICK: You don't care.

L. KING: Well, first, I'm 71 years old.

GLICK: But you look fantastic.

L. KING: Thank you. And what are they going to do to me?

GLICK: Some people like to take pot shots because they're bitter and they're jealous. And they don't like that we're on top of what we do. You're a multibillionaire. You don't -- do you give anything to charity? That's not important.

L. KING: No. I do. I give a lot and I'm not a multibillionaire.

GLICK: Oh, but you're loaded there.

L. KING: I make good money but I give a lot away. And I have my own cardiac foundation. I help people. I write books about taking on heart disease.

GLICK: And you live in a trailer or a big mansion?

L. KING: I live in a nice house.

GLICK: A big nice house?

L. KING: My wife doesn't think it's big enough.

GLICK: Wal-Mart furniture or antique?

L. KING: It's -- you'll talk to her later.

GLICK: More than one home?

L. KING: Yes.

GLICK: Well, we're really worried for you. Now your father was Don King...

L. KING: No!

GLICK: And how did you -- to grow up with all that lack of hygiene going on, what was that like?

L. KING: You're confused, again, Jiminy. My father was a man named Eddie. He passed away when I was...

GLICK: Eddie King.

L. KING: No, Eddie Zeiger was his name.

GLICK: Eddie Zeiger. You changed your name.

L. KING: I changed my name.

GLICK: Because you were ashamed.

L. KING: No! I wasn't ashamed. They...

GLICK: Why did you change your name? You didn't like Zeiger.

L. KING: No.

GLICK: Because it sounded too Presbyterian.

L. KING: The old -- Presbyterian?

GLICK: What are you?

L. KING: Jewish!

GLICK: You're a Jew? You should be proud.

L. KING: I am!

GLICK: Well, then, why did you change your name?

L. KING: Because the owner of the radio station said Zeiger is not going -- people won't remember it, they won't know how to spell it. It might be a little too ethnic. And he had an ad, ultimately...

GLICK: Aha! The ethnic thing, you see, now we're getting to the truth. This is what I do, Larry King or Zeiger or whatever the name is today. I go to the key, you said you weren't ashamed and yet it said too ethnic.

See what I did! I trapped you, trapped you in your own -- you're caught!

L. KING: That's what the owner of the station said.

GLICK: Oh, so if the owner of the station says, put on a ball gown, you put on a ball gown?

L. KING: No!

GLICK: Then when he said change your name...

L. KING: That was first year on the air. I was scared, I was nervous. And he had an ad open in "The Miami Herald," and it was for King's Wholesale Liquors, and he said, how about Larry King? And that became my name.

GLICK: Now so you were born on the same day as Mama Cass. Are you a California dreamer?

L. KING: I love California. I did not know I was...

GLICK: And are you a dreamer? Do you hope and dream, or don't you?

L. KING: I don't dream much.

GLICK: You don't.

L. KING: No.

GLICK: Because you're sedated. You were also born on the same day as Twiggy, who Mama Cass tried to eat at the Monterey Pop Festival, which I think is very interesting. It's an interesting combination of facts.

GLICK: Now, you love Garlique.

L. KING: Garlique, yes, is the healthiest food in the world. Two of the healthiest foods in the world are Garlique, garlic, and blueberries.

GLICK: Really?

L. KING: And so I eat -- I consume -- I take my Garlique pill every night and I consumer a lot of blueberries every day at breakfast.

GLICK: I take Garlique too, but I've always wondered, can you ever take it orally?

L. KING: It's the only way to take it.

GLICK: No! Oh my, I've got to read that bottle again because I'm telling you, I've made a fool of myself, made a total fool of myself.