May 23, 2005



I'll admit it; I've lost most of my enthusiasm for continuing the Your Moment of Britney series.

After all, how much fun can it be to throw darts at a target the size of New Hampshire? She and her K-Fed matrmonial appendix commit so many acts of stupidity bourne of overfed ego and deficient brain cell capacity that it's difficult to keep up with and alternately care about them as well.

But occasionally you become Rob Petrie, tripping over a living room ottoman of a choice nugget. At that point, you merely do a Van Dyke: you barrel roll, you rise to your feet and you accept the loving adoration of your wife, your bratty son, your neighbors and co-workers who just happen to be in your home.

Ottoman No. 1: This entry by The Chortler, in which Britney and K-Fed's new reality show is assigned a definition by Roget's Thesaurus.

Pop sensation Britney Spears and her husband Kevin Federline are now starring in their own reality show entitled “Britney and Kevin: Chaotic.” Here is how it was perceived by Roget's Thesaurus:

"Abominable, amiss, atrocious, awful, bad news, beastly, blah, bottom out, bummer, careless, cheap, cheesy, crappy, cruddy, crummy, defective, deficient, diddly, dissatisfactory, downer, dreadful, erroneous, fallacious, faulty, garbage, god-awful, gross, grungy, icky, imperfect, inadequate, incorrect, inferior, junky, not good, off, poor, raunchy, rough, sad, scuzzy, sleazeball, sleazy, slipshod, stinking, substandard, synthetic, the pits, unacceptable, unsatisfactory.

"Brainless, dazed, deficient, dense, dim, dodo, doltish, dopy, dull, dumb, foolish, half-witted, idiotic, ill-advised, imbecilic, inane, indiscreet, insensate, irrelevant, irresponsible, laughable, loser, ludicrous, meaningless, mindless, moronic, naive, nonsensical, obtuse, pointless, puerile, senseless, short-sighted, simple, simple-minded, sluggish, stolid, stupefied, thick, thickheaded, unintelligent, unthinking, witless.

"Abhorrent, atrocious, awful, base, beastly, contemptible, cursed, deplorable, despicable, detestable, disgusting, execrable, foul, grim, hairy, hateful, hellish, horrible, loathsome, lousy, nasty, nauseating, obnoxious, odious, offensive, putrid, repellent, reprehensible, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, rotten, sleazeball, stinking, terrible, vile, wretched."

Ottoman No. 2: This review of Britney and K-Fed's show. The review is so brilliantly written, I'll only post an excerpt. You need to bask in it's glow by going to the site and reading it all.

My favorite part, among many:

There are so many intersecting things wrong on this show and with Britney that I can't possibly prioritize them. I can't say that the sheer narcissism is the main problem, since that may be a byproduct of the overwhelming stupidity showcased here. Which came first, the chicken or the moron?

Let's take the moment when she focused the camera on her knees and said, ''They look just like boobs. But they're not. They're my knees!'' and then shrieked with laughter. One wonders, what about this intensely banal moment made her tell her editors to include it in the show? You could start by blaming an askew perspective conditioned by a short lifetime spent surrounded by parasitic giggling hairstylists and publicists to whom she only has to say, ''Milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner, fudge is made,'' and they'll crap their pants laughing.

And yet, Tom Hanks probably gets his ass kissed wherever he goes, but you don't see him making a TV show where he plays the game ''Earlobes or testicles?'' So, one wonders, does the inherent unfunniness of the joke itself (if it is a joke) reveal the true problem: that she's a halfwit? It makes my head hurt to think about it, which is patently unfair because Britney never has to think about anything. (Oh, except art: Were I not too busy throwing bricks at my TV, I would have clapped with delight as she attempted to interpret a painting but ended up making it — just as she had everything else — about her. If you showed her a painting of Dali's melting clocks, she would say, ''This one makes me cry. Time is getting all gooey because I'm late and the world is sad.'')

Ottoman No. 3: This bit of tasty goodness from the "news" desk at

Britney Spears might be more of a practicing Baptist or sometime Kabbalist, but she also gives props to the pope in a new video tribute. She joins 'NSYNC, Monica, Faith Hill, Tim McGraw and Aerosmith's Steven Tyler and Joe Perry in reading inspirational prayers, stories and poems from the late Pope John Paul II in a clip available for download at

I don't even know where to begin with a morsel like that.

Perhaps by pointing to a juxtaposition, a place where behavior and posing contrast with inspirational prayer... Yes. That's what I'll do.

Ottoman No. 4: Consider this breaking news from the Hindustan Times.

Singer Britney Spears has put her private life on show, boasting about her 'in-bed' sexual skills with her current husband, Kevin, in the first part of the documentary "Britney And Kevin: Chaotic" broadcasted on Tuesday.

The show raised the curtain on the pop star's daily life, including her love story with Kevin.

According to reports, the 23-year-old singer shared the details of her love life and her lewd bedroom antics with viewers. She did not seem to hold back anything and also talked about her favourite sexual positions while they were vacationing in a hotel at London.

"Let's not go (out), let's just f*** all day," The Sun quoted Britney as telling her hubby.

After spending the entire day inside the hotel room, she reportedly bragged to a make-up artist, "I've had sex three times today."


Lights, camera, Britney.

Britney wears the glamorous life.

Britney takes a palimony suit.

Something old, something new.

Britney takes a groom. Again.

Britney defends her latest love.

Britney marries a childhood friend. For 50 hours.

Britney swaps spit with the Rosetta Stone of Skank.

Britney poses for photos that make her look even more plastic and lifeless than she already is.

Britney, as she would look if she hit the all-you-can-eat Seafood Lovers Special at Red Lobster every night for six months.

Britney runs a restaurant into the ground.

Britney has an evil twin available for parties.

Britney and George cut a rug.

Britney proves the axiom: Beer affects the way males respond to females.

Posted by Jeff at May 23, 2005 07:43 AM | TrackBack
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