SIDE SALAD - Everything crunchy is good.: GO OUTSIDE THE BUN

June 14, 2005

GO OUTSIDE THE BUN

I believe in my heart that there are times in life when consumption can help you attain a spiritual purpose, when pursuit of ultimate gratification can overwhelm the soul with fulfillment and become a grail unto itself. Then again, it depends on what you're consuming.

And since I'm all about consumpting myself to the pinacle of gratification, (motto: Big Truck, Big House, Big Dog, Big Kid, Big Bed, Big Me, Big Life), I thought I'd go with my friend Rommie on Friday to a place in east Tampa we'd heard about named Frank's Fast And Best Sandwich Shop. We'd heard this place had a 2-pound hamburger on the menu. We had to see that freak show with our own eyes.

Near the corner of 50th Street and 7th Avenue, Frank's isn't much bigger than a shotgun shack. I don't think the place has more than 10 booths/tables inside.

But what it lacks in size, it makes up for in exterior wall adornment.

Hmmm. Our first signs that the rumor might be true.

A little diversity. Nice.

So they spelled calzone wrong.

You don't spell it, son. You eat it.

"Monster Pizza?" As if we needed more reasons to eat there.

This, of course, cinched the deal.

Did I mention it was small?

Mind the sign on the wall, please.

I'll have the Monster Burger. With Cheese, please.

Part of the appeal of Frank's is the local color joining you in the dining room.

When shaving your head, it always helps to use a mirror so you can get at all of your hair.

Wait. Is that them?

You bet your boots those are ours.

I said boots.

This is the face of a man contemplating his place in the universe.

When we ordered, our waitress Crystal asked if we both wanted fries.

Before we could reply, she answered for us.

"Nah. You'll only want one basket."

How right she was. I think Rommie and I only ate one token fry each.

Band name: Token Fry.

Rommie wisely partitioned his burger before attacking.

Little did we know we were being joined in the dining room by a celebrity:

Bobby Hill from "King of The Hill"

Care to dispute that fact?

Didn't think so.

Despite having more than enough room to get your hands on them, Monster Burgers do present a grappling challenge. So Rommie deployed his partitioning technique one step farther.

Meanwhile, Bobby chose a "dainty fingers" approach.

In the end, Bobby decided upon an aggressive strategy.

Rommie said this reminded him of an Animal Planet show, "When Predators Attack."

Mmmm. Oversized burger.

The tale of the tapeworm: In the end, I polished off three-quarters of the beast. Rommie devoured half. I could have done more, but I didn't want to tax my system. As it was, I was already pushing the point from a gastrointestinal standpoint.

Damn thing should have been served with a defibrillator and a diaper.

Crystal asked if we wanted a box. We looked at her, like, "Are you kidding?"

After all, we needed to bring the antlers back to camp for proof of the kill.

An aside: Is it me or does Rommie's face in this photo resemble a Russian icon?

Okay. Maybe it's just me.

You'll have to excuse my hallucinations. It's the burger talkin.'

Back at work, Rommie paraded the half-devoured beast like he was showing off an offspring with pride. People gasped. Others ran to see the spectacle. It was truly a great, great showcase.

Later the next day, I got this e-mail from Rommie:

From: Rommie
Sent: Saturday, June 11, 2005 7:20 PM
To: Jeff
Subject: 29 hours ...

… after my first bite, I have finally finished the Monster Burger.

Pure chewing satisfaction indeed.

Posted by Jeff at June 14, 2005 06:57 AM | TrackBack

Comments

Hey, you forgot your BIG WIFE!!!

Posted by: Grace at June 14, 2005 01:12 PM

Wow. Just eating one-half of that thing is quite impressive!

(At $7.50, it sounds like a great bargain too.)

Posted by: tlm at June 14, 2005 03:33 PM

Big wife? Please.

Seriously, the only time I've ever seen any beast (and this kid was truly that) tear into its quarry with such ferocity is on one of those Animal Planet programs where they show, like, a pack of lions circling a hyena carcass while the alpha male stands in the middle, hair raised and reared up in that don't-mess-with-me stance, savagely ripping bloody shreds of flesh off the bones between each growl. If you got between Bobby and his Monster Burger, you'd end up looking like Roy Horn in the "after" photo. Which, come to think of it, still gets you a higher hot-or-not rating than the culinary Sasquatch who prepared our burgers. No wonder they call 'em "Monster."

Posted by: Rommie at June 14, 2005 04:46 PM

Manicotti was spelled wrong, too.

Posted by: cessna at June 14, 2005 10:18 PM

I still can't get over that guy's hair. What do you call this, a skullet? Soldier in the front, party in the back? The only thing I've ever seen that competes with this was Dick Rude in "Repo Man": head completely shaved except for sideburns. I love it.

Posted by: Rommie at June 16, 2005 06:08 PM

His hair looks like the hem of some woman's dress that's had the car door closed on it, and it's just a-flappin' in the breeze.

Posted by: Jeff at June 16, 2005 08:30 PM