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THE CHEESE WANTS TO KNOW

LeeAnn the Cheesemistress has included me in her reindeer games, throwing a couple questions at me as one in her series of ill-advised interviews.

So here goes.

1. In your illustrious career as a bigtime newspaperman, what is the most newsworthy story you've personally written. Did it involve a potato shaped like a moose?

I’ve covered the Exxon Valdez oil spill. I’ve covered the Daytona 500, interviewed the heads of the NFL and NASCAR. I’ve interviewed presidential candidates and movie stars. I’ve swapped questions with Garth Brooks about orange candy circus peanuts and stood in minus-70 windchill on the last night of the Iditarod.

But I have to go with the story of Bingo, a stray dog who stole dozens of newspapers in an Anchorage, AK, neighborhood for almost a week straight and piled them in front of his owner’s house – and none of them were from the lawns of homes in a 10 block radius. You’ve got to admire a dog that industrious.

The story made CNN, all the wires, you name it. People love rogue animals.

2. The world ends. Civilization as we know it ceases to be... except for Walt Disney World. Who do you do first, Snow White or Cinderella? Please show your work.

So the choice is between a narcoleptic and a shoe fetishist? I’ll pass.

Not that this would be my choice – nothing about Disney strikes me as erotic or even vaguely sexual - but something primal lures me to Daisy Duck. Think about it: pumps, makeup, no pants… not to mention that saucy bow.

Jesus. I gotta lay off the Absolut.

3. Which celebrity eulogy would you love to give? Give us a sample...

Are you kidding? Britney all the way, babe.

I've always wanted to use the phrase, "no-talent, lip-synching, white-trash-marrying ho-skank" in a eulogy. Without it relating to a relative, of course.

4. We've all seen the sombrero series, and we all dig the sombero series. But honestly, is it the size of the hat, or the size of the man in the hat what truly makes it a sombrero-worthy moment? And in a more prurient note, have you ever worn the sombrero on the (ahem) southern head? Did it stay on? Without JLo double-sided tape? Are you available for birthdays and bar mitzvahs? Please?

An even better question: Is it the brim that makes the sombrero or the pointed top? It’s the entire package, of course. The right sombrero on the wrong man (here, I’m thinking Richard Simmons) does not redeem the man.

As for whether the sombrero has made it “south of the border,” all I have to say is, “No hablo inglais.”

If I did choose such an adornment, I think it would look a little like this:

5. Imagine: in a sudden flamboyant fireworks episode, your mustache and suave goatee are singed completely off. Do you brazen out the growing process with tales of gallantry and derring-do, or do you color it in with a magic marker? What color?

Two words: Chia Goatee.

Posted by Jeff at July 1, 2005 07:20 AM | TrackBack