July 15, 2005
OH, THE HUMANITY!
I have very sad news to report.
Mitch's penis carrot is... gone.
I was out of the office on Wednesday and got a call on the cell from Rommie.
"Dude, you're not going to believe what happened."
And with that, he told me that the well-hung carrot had been irrevocably damaged in a freak Ziploc absorbtion accident.
When I returned to the office on Thursday morning, I asked Mitch to show me the damage.
He gently pulled the impressively endowed carrot out of his desk drawer, where he had been lovingly storing it in a cradle of absorbant paper towels.
Could there be a greater compliment?
The best we can figure is that when Mitch stored it in the Ziploc with the other disfigured food items, Long Dong Carrot's moisture made the Siamese jellybeans ooze their black coloring. The phallic vegetable then absorbed the stain and started an irreversable chain reaction of decaying horror for the nippled m&m, the flagellated pork rind and everything else in the bag. That in turn accelerated the growth of mold spores, which only further marred the orange flesh of the carrot.
Of course, this is our best guess. There is no CSI: Penis Carrot episode to rely on for a forensic roadmap.
Mitch was truly a shell of a husk of a pawn of a man by the time I saw him Thursday. Only 48 hours earlier, I had seen him almost walking on air at his discovery. Now, he was somehow a smaller man, reduced by his shriveling, emotionally harpooned spirit.
As I took the above photo, I half expected him to mirror Don Corleone, standing over the bullet-ridden body of his beloved asassinated offspring, Santino.
"Look... look at how they massacred my penis carrot."
Posted by Jeff at July 15, 2005 08:09 AM | TrackBackLMAOROFL! You are too twisted for color TV, Jeff.
Ya'll get the hell back to work, now.
Posted by: Margi at July 15, 2005 01:19 PMcan't it be revived by soaking it in water?
why the hell am I even thinking this....
Posted by: Laura at July 15, 2005 02:15 PM