SIDE SALAD - Everything crunchy is good.

NO EXCUSES

I'm posting this from the fourth row of the Roy Jones Jr.-Antonio Tarver boxing match at the Forum Which Dare Not Speak It's Name.

I'm actually here to cover the Andre Ward vs. Glenn LaPlante undercard fight. Ward is from Oakland, so a friend at the San Jose Mercury News asked me to cover the bout. An advancer I wrote for the fight can be found here. (Registration, blood and urine samples and a body cavity search required)

I covered just about every major type of sport while I was covering sports business for FoxSportsBiz.com - from the Daytona 500 to the NFL Draft and NCAA National Championship football game, but I never got around to boxing.

A few observations so far:

* There must be some direct correlation between the Sweet Science and the affection fans feel for Hummer H2s. I lost count at more than 15 that I passed on the way through the parking lot.

*The fashion show tonight really is something to behold. You should see the silk leopard print shirt on one playa in the audience. One musclebound man in a white wifebeater that looked like it was painted on had enough gold around his neck to start a treasury department. I've also viewed the first Panama hat I've seen in a while. Favorite shirts of the night: A guy in dreads wearing a long, white Too-Tall-T-shirt with huge words "GHETTO SUPER" printed in red letters. Next to him, another guy in dreads and bling with the words, "RICH NIGGA" on an identical white T-shirt.

* HBO's Jim Lampley sits right next to the guy who rings the bell during each round. In between fights that he's announcing, he talks amicably with fellow announcer Larry Merchant and ring announcer extraordinaire Michael Buffer. Two minutes ago, he stopped by to wish well the reporter next to me, who took in family members from New Orleans, one of whom died.

* Apparently there are men here who have not seen a scantily clad woman before. Everytime ring girl goes in to walk around with the card announcing the round - usually wearing a small top and barely a skirt with high heels - the place fill swith whistles and catcalls. It adds to the already testosterone-choked atmosphere. Even Lampley says something as one of the ring girls passes. She winks at him and keeps teetering on her stratospheric heels.

* The guys who tend the corners for the fighters carry an assortment of supplies (towels, water, compresses, Vaseline) in various Rubbermaid buckets. You can tell how high the boxers rank on the evolutionary scale by what type of bucket their corner guys use. A regular old bucket: a guy just starting out. A bucket with two slots: an up-and-comer. A bucket with a toolbox: a champion fighter.

* It's a little odd to see a ring security guy in a full suit and tie sitting on the floor of the arena wearing latex gloves for protection against bodily fluids, and using those hands to eat a Snickers bar between bouts.

* I've now heard my first heckling during the "National Anthem." An R&B singer (I didn't catch the name) climbed into the ring and started to sing along with a pre-recorded music track, a la the way Marvin Gaye once did before the 1983 NBA All-Star Game. Clearly, this guy is no Marvin. First mistake: He asks everyone to wave their arms in the air. You know, wave them like they just don't care.

The audience immediately groans and starts to boo. The guy next to me, in between shouts of, "Shut the fuck up!" later comments, "That ought to be worth two years in Levenworth."

* Heavyweights Vinny Maddalone and Brian Minto each disrobed to display "GoldenPalace.com" on their backs. Minto makes an excellent billboard, if only because he's as white as a ghost. The black ink absolutely jumps off his skin in contrast. Plus, Vinny's scrawling is marred by a huge tattoo in the middle of his shoulder blades. Not to mention Vinny is bleeding above his left eye like a stuck pig. That tends to diminish your abilities as a Web site promotional whore.

* Two celebrity guests are announced before one of the undercards. The first, Michael Jordan.Jordan comes in and sits down - eventually - with former teammate Charles Oakley. The oxygen in the room disappears instantly. Everyone is on their feet craning to get a look. Of course, no one can see him. Then the big screen shows a shot of him making his way to a seat. The crowd erupts. Jordan gets an introduction that lasts almost a minute. You'd think he was getting ready to start an NBA Finals game, they way the anouncer is prattling on.

The second celebrity they introduce: Mike Tyson. People crane their neck long enough to see whether or not he's sitting next to them. Once safely assured he is not, they go about their normal lives, comfortable in the thought that while he is near, he's not close enough to fondle or assault.

* Michael "Let's Get Ready To Rumble" Buffer got a huge standing ovation after being announced into the ring.

That's right, it took an announceer to bring on... an announcer.

More posts later. (And photos of all this tomorrow.)

Time to go make some money.

Posted by Jeff at October 1, 2005 08:18 PM