October 18, 2005

FIVE-AND-ONE AND GETTING IT DONE

The wins haven't been pretty. Most have relied on luck. Some on the misfortunes of opponents. But the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are way ahead in the win column this season. It's been a nice change from the last two years when misery and woe were constant companions.

A friend gave us two tickets to the Miami Dolphins game on Sunday, so I took the Salad Boy.

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He insisted, of course, that we wear our grass hula skirts.

Who was I to refuse him?


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Across from Raymond James Stadium, some tool was handing out water bottles with his mortgage company's name on the outside.

If it had been vodka, he might have made a few sales.


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Lord knows the LaRue sisters - Droopy and Puffy - would have appreciated additional adult beverages.

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Oh, wow. A pirate to greet everyone at the gate?

Plus 10 points on the Cool-O-Meter.


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Wait. He's a recycling pirate?

Subtract 10 points.


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Ah yes. The dreaded and controversial pat-down at the gate.

I don't want to say that the method isn't an inhibitor to terrorism, but I haven't been touched that slightly since my junior high school dance.


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I now know the temptation a seagull feels.

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You can't buy a beer before noon in Tampa on Sunday, but you can sure as hell display a satanic back tat.

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I understand how people can get caught up in the testosterone-choked environment of the football game. I know how some can lose themselves in the game, feel like they're part of the team, like they're sacrificing their bodies for the common good.

But seriously, dude...



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...take the escalator next time.

Looks like a python is trying to throat an alligator under his calf.


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Witnessing that sort of thing can take the wind out of your hula skirt.

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The giveaway this week was a tote bag that turned into a backpack.

That seemed pretty cool until I learned what last week's giveaway was:


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Babies.

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In what has to be considered the largest postal stunt ever, cheerleaders put a stamp on the field and tried to mail it to Pittsburgh.

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Unassisted by oxygen tanks or traction-gripping crampons, thousands of us instead relied on Sherpa Larry to guide us along the summit ridge to our seats in the third deck.

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Sideline passes just aren't as easy to get these days for LL Cool J.

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That's Brian Griese at quarterback, moments before he was lost for the season. He tore his ACL, his MCL and just about every other consonant and vowel you can put before the letters CL.

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Bucs fans sitting in front of this drunken Dolphins fan considered giving him a beat-down for spilling two beers all over them. Then they reconsidered. Being a Fins fan was punishment enough.

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The LaRue sisters certainly enjoyed the afternoon. Puffy LaRue danced in her seat for the last three quarters of the game, while Tanya LaRue proudly displayed her size 14 Wrangler shorts.

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A tremendous faux pas: After defensive back Will Allen scooped up a fumble and ran it in for a touchdown, thousands of fans reflexively gave the White Power salute.

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Enjoy that drive back to Miami, ya'all.

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"You suck."

"Up yours."


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Not long after the final whistle, members of T.T.B.H.A.B.T.S. (Teams The Bucs Have Already Beaten This Season) commenced their meeting behind a dumpster in a vacant lot.


Posted by Jeff at October 18, 2005 06:11 AM
Comments

Why did you have to mention Pittsburgh? You are taunting me. I fart in your general direction. Nice pictures except for the Gay dolphin fan grabbing or patting his partners butt after the game. Ado Mr. Houck

Posted by: Bob at October 18, 2005 10:23 AM

priceless.

Posted by: tim at October 18, 2005 04:39 PM

Brian totally won the genetic lottery - the looks of his gorgeous mother and the incredibly frightening and hilarious personality of his dad. Salad Boy is where it's at!

Posted by: jolie at October 18, 2005 06:20 PM

G-----mn if that wasn't just about the funniest sports commentary I've ever read. And so dead on . What do you really do for a living?

I'm going to the Lightning game Friday - can I take pictures and be you for a night? huh?

Posted by: cessna at October 18, 2005 08:43 PM

Still guffawing over "That's Brian Griese at quarterback, moments before he was lost for the season. He tore his ACL, his MCL and just about every other consonant and vowel you can put before the letters CL."

You rock.

Posted by: Margi at October 19, 2005 01:10 AM

THAT was hilarious! Jeff, your commentary was as good as the game itself.

The Salad Boy, he is incredibly cool. ^5 on the grass skirt.

I've got to agree with you about the pat down. Never met such a friendly group of old folks in my life.

I don't know exactly what you do at The Tribune, but they need to let you loose at all the games for photo commentary like this one!

Posted by: Laura at October 19, 2005 07:52 AM
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