SIDE SALAD - Everything crunchy is good.

MAIL CALL

One of the benefits of having a reputation for celebrating oddity and stupidity at every chance is that you are blessed with friends who feel the need to feed your head with such nonsense.

As such, I get the best e-mail in the world, this side of Fark.

Like this one from Katherine, who shares with me a fanatical devotion to The Superficial.

Katherine points to the story headlined "Celine Dion wants to grow another child":

Celine Dion, the source of almost all of Canada's shame before Avril Lavigne and Nickelback came around, has told a French magazine that once her contract with Caesar's Palace ends, she plans to have a second child through in vitro fertilization. Celine insisted that time is of the essence since she's approaching 40 years old and her husband is approaching whatever age it is where you spontaneously turn to dust in the slightest breeze. The couple plans to use an embryo that was left from the treatment that yielded their first child.

Wow, even Gwynnie and Britney are subtler with exploiting their children than Celine Dion is. With the 21 months notice and giving specific information as to when, where, and how she's going to conceive, it's obvious that she's just winding up to release yet another album full of songs about her damned baby, this time brought to you by Louis' Turkey Basters and Cup-o-Soup: Now With 30% More Fetus.

I'd call it shameless, but I'm pretty sure that for French-Canadians, "shameless" roughly translates to "crafty like a fox!"

I can't help but think of Ana Gasteyer's impersonation every time I see Dion warble.

Then I got an e-mail from Jolie, who forwarded me two photos, accompanied by this sentence:

Words. There are none.

What were the photos? Here they are:

The sad thing: I thought maybe it was another Kirstie Alley ad. I didn't get the oral sex connotation at all.

Then Amanda sent along this link to a guy who performs a one-man version of "Star Wars."

As his bio on the site states:

Best known as the mastermind behind the infamous One Man Star Wars Trilogy and One Man Lord of the Rings, Charles Ross is a Canadian actor who has followed his heart and his career from one side of the continent to the other. Since first performing his One Man Star Wars Trilogy in Toronto, Ontario in January of 2001, Ross has brought countless audiences, both large and small, to their feet with his surprisingly unique shows.

Word of Ross's one of a kind talent has spread across North America, from Toronto, Orlando, Atlanta, and Boston, to Chicago, San Diego, and Vancouver. To mark the release of Star Wars: Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith, Charles was honored to perform at Lucasfilm's official movie release convention, Celebration 3. Even the likes of Vin Diesel and Sir Ian McKellan have taken in his performances with rave reviews.

When Vin Diesel likes your work, you know you've left a stain on the carpet of society.

Survey says: Thorazine.

Then Rommie sent along a press release from Radar magazine, touting their next issue, in which they detail the payoffs that celebrities get for appearing at trendy bars and restaurants.

Included in the list:

Anna Nicole Smith
$30,000–$75,000
Writing her a check is the easy part. Getting her to show up is another matter. In February, the organizers of NW magazine’s Oscar party in Sydney, Australia, agreed to fly Smith out for 60 grand, but she missed her flight — then demanded $12,000 more to ensure she’d make the next one. Not only did Smith require a penthouse, a butler and chef on call 24 hours a day, and a suite for her four-person entourage, when she arrived, according to press reports, she insisted on a third suite for her lawyer, stylist, and two friends. Our sources say that several dress sizes ago Smith raked in about $15,000 per appearance. But now she averages about $30,000 — making her fee inversely proportional to her weight.

Then they punk the agent of Star Jones to fish around for what her bottom line price would be for an appearance.

An tasty morsel from the conversation:

Star Jones’s Agent Hi, how are you today?

Radar Hi, this is David Steven calling about Star Jones making an appearance at the Short Hills Country Club in New Jersey.

Agent Her appearance fee is $25,000. She also needs a car from New York. This is just for a meet-and-greet?

Radar No, it’s our annual Bring in the Fall gala. We’d like her to give a speech about why fall is the best season. Last year Leonard Nimoy did 25 minutes.

Agent On that topic? Well, if you’re willing to write it, make it as long as you need.

Radar Would she dine with the guests?

Agent I don’t know if she’d sit through a whole dinner.

Radar How much would it cost for us to have her for the entire dinner?

Agent Could she come for the cocktails, dine backstage, then come out for the speech? It’s hard to chitchat when you’re about to get up and give a speech.

Radar Let’s say we do the speech before dinner.

Agent Okay. Better.

Radar Would she come alone, or does she go everywhere with the people from The View?

Agent No, she’d probably be either by herself or with her husband or assistant.

Radar Now, there is a casino theme. What would it cost us to have her work as the guest dealer?

Agent Oh, probably another 10 or so.

Radar So, $35,000?

Agent Probably. Yeah.

Radar Would she dance?

Agent No. I mean, she might, but I wouldn’t put that in a contract.

Radar The dancing would cost more?

Agent No, no. [Laughs] How can you predict if somebody’s going to feel like dancing?

Radar Well, I mean, we’re paying her to speak for half an hour.

Agent She doesn’t get paid to dance.

Radar She won’t dance with her husband?

Agent She might. But what if she’s not with her husband? She might come with just her assistant.

Radar Would she dance with her assistant?

Agent No.

Radar Alone?

Agent I wouldn’t even ask that question. [Laughs]

Radar What if we added another $10,000?

Agent If you want to add that into the offer, you can. It’s an odd request.

Radar So we’re up to $45,000. A half-hour speech with dancing.

Agent Possibly.

Radar Would we have to pay extra to have her husband there?

Agent Yes.

Radar How much would her husband cost?

Agent I don’t represent him, but I understand he gets around $10,000 for an appearance. He has his own career.

Radar What does he do?

Agent You got me. I’ll make it really easy: Make her an offer at $50,000 and say, “In exchange for this we would expect the following: a) 30-minute speech, b) dinner with guests, c) bringing her husband, Al Rey-nolds, and dancing, d) participating as a celebrity guest dealer,” or, you know, whatever.

Posted by Jeff at October 28, 2005 08:39 AM