SIDE SALAD - Everything crunchy is good.

TIME TO PUT ON THE LAST SUIT YOU'LL EVER NEED

Ever since I saw the Santarchy site a couple of years ago, I've been bewitched by the idea of organizing a massive, obnoxious Santa rally in Tampa. I even batted the idea around with some friends about doing it this year.

Turns out, someone already does it. On Friday night, the Santa Pub Crawl kicks off at Gaspar's Grotto in Ybor City. It's all for charity, of course.

So with that in mind, I asked Rommie if there was a good costume store that might sell Santa suits.

"Dude, I still haven't taken you to Features?" he said.

The incredulosity of his tone bespoke not only disbelief but a level of disappointment in his own negligence.

We of course had to make a run.

Housed in an old South Tampa theater, Features has any costume you could ever dream of.

I'm not exaggerating.

From floor to ceiling, shelves are crammed full of accessories, costumes, everything you could put on your person to look goofy.

I walked in and felt like I had arrived at Mecca.

In the very rear of the store - did I mention how cavernous this place is? - was all the Christmas and holiday attire.

There was something immediately hilarious about seeing a handful of dismembered snowman heads sitting on the corner. It was like a serial killer crime scene outtake from "CSI: North Pole."

Santa costumes, Santa helper costumes, elves, snowmen, you name it. They have it.

This year, Santa suits run about $65 a night for rental. To buy one runs about $115.

I'm seriously thinking it over.

To many of you who know me, please do not be alarmed by this brief moment of restraint. It will soon pass, I'm sure.

Features can also put you into a comfortable pair of curly-toed elf shoes for a very affordable $45.99.

While I pondered the expenditure, we decided to browse.

Sometimes you feel like Mephistopheles, sometimes you don't.


Can you imagine the cleanup on this aisle?

Some universal gravitational force drew us to the prosthetic boob and asscheek display.

Rommie seemed quite taken with the "Brown Sugar" model.

This one just scared the hell out of me.

Rommie and I wandered the store separately. Then he found me in another aisle.

"Dude, this is just sooooo wrong."

Wow.

If you're dressing up your dog in a bikini top and a wig, get help.

Only slightly more acceptable: A Yoda getup.
I wonder how many versions they went through before someone thought to cut out a spot for the dog's crank.


::::waving hand::::

This is not the Vader costume you're looking for.

Posted by Jeff at December 8, 2005 07:55 AM