February 16, 2006

TAKING ISSUE

SportsIllustratedSwimsuitCover2006.jpgIf it's February, it must be time for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

Yawn.

When I was 13, this was a big deal. These days, I'm far from 13, so the issue tends to sit on my counter for a while with the other mail. Last year's issue wasn't touched for a week. Damn thing was thicker than some of the models who were posing inside.

Anyway, I looked at this years edition last night. First, it's fascinating that someone would think it was a good idea to ask Petra Nemcova to go back and pose on a beach less than a year after she and her boyfriend Simon Atlee were swept away by the tsunami that hit Phuket, Thailand. The woman lived by clinging to a floating palm tree for eight hours, for god's sake.

News reports at the time said:

Rescuers in Phuket, Thailand, took her via stretcher to a local hospital. She was eventually airlifted to a hospital in Hat Yai, 150 miles southeast of Phuket.

"I was so broken, I couldn't walk," Nemcova told the Daily News. "There were so many people with horrible injuries, with blood everywhere. It was like a war movie.

"There might be pieces of bone stuck to my organs."


I guess the idea is that life is short, Petra has to move on, it's been a year, and there are good causes to support. In fact, Rick Reilly writes in this year's issue:

A portion of her income - including her work for this issue - goes to the foundaton she started for orphaned Thai children: the Hapy Hearts Fund. Nemcova has one of those, too, now - a happy heart. But, yeah, she has flashbacks. She'll be at some shoot, posing on some beach, and suddenly she will be flung back there, into hell. Simon's face. The palm tree. The screams.

Mmmm. So sexy.

My other issue with the issue: the lackadaisical depiction of food safety.

I mean, look at these photos taken, respectively, at Pann's Restaurant & Coffee Shop and Pink's Famous Hot Dogs:

NoemiLenoirJpg.jpg

YesicaToscaniniSportsIllustratedSwimsuitIssue.jpg

Shouldn't they be wearing a hair net or something? Was the health department notified? Whatever happened to no shirt, no shoes, no underwear, no dignity, no service?

Then there are these shots:

YesicaToscaniniSportsIllustratedSwimsuitIssue3.jpg


YesicaToscaniniSportsIllustratedSwimsuitIssue2.jpg

After looking at the dirty food prep area in that top photo, I'm reminded of the phrase McDonald's teaches its employees: If you've got time to lean, you've got time to clean.''

As for the suggestiveness of the photos, I can just imagine the swimsuit issue maestro session:

[ Photo editor walks into conference room, glasses dangling from her neck by a cord. Photographers, editors and magazine designers gathered at the meeting table anxiously await her directions. ]

Editor: "Okay, the see-through fishnet, the topless chest cupping, the forest of nipples, the palm-tree straddling, the squirting sunscreen bottles, the body painting and the wet t-shirt shots are getting a little long in the tooth. We need to sex this up with fresh double entendres.

[ Room goes silent for several minutes as the group brainstorms ]

Photo assistant: We could have one of them sucking on a candy cane.

Editor: Too far from Christmas. Anyone else?

Designer: A brass stripper pole would work.

Editor: This isn't Cosmo, fer crissakes. Next!

[ Silence returns to the room ]

Photographer: We could do the Lady Godiva shot on horseback.

Editor: Seen it. Done it. Come on, people. We're not shooting Gwyneth Paltrow here. We've got the high-octane sex of Heidi Klum at our disposal. You can do better than that.

[ Dejected silence returns. Then someone meekly raises a hand. ]

Intern: There's a great place in L.A. that sells hot dogs. We could pose them there holding a weiner.

Editor: Hmmmm :::scratches chin::: Nice, but too subtle.

Intern: The place is called "Pink's." Oh, and we could have the model suck her finger in one pose.

Editor: BINGO!

Ironically, the best food-related photo in the magazine is an ad for milk featuring Elizabeth Hurley:

ElizabethHurleyGotMilkAd.jpg

The main message here: Milk... it does a body good.

The underlying subtext from the tiny footprints and sand pail: Got MILF?




Posted by Jeff at February 16, 2006 08:11 AM
Comments

Love the subtle hot dog. They aren't even trying to make it about sports anymore. Or even exotic locales!

Posted by: k at February 16, 2006 05:35 PM
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