May 17, 2006
MY BREAKFAST WITH ANDRE
SCENE NO. 1: INTERIOR OF HOUSE. DINETTE TABLE.
Ten-year-old, redheaded boy sits cross-legged in his school uniform, eating Wild Berry Pop Tarts and drinking a glass of skim milk. His Scooby Doo multipurpose vitamin sits on the napkin next to his plate. A few feet away, his father slowly empties the dishwasher and prepares to reload.
It is 6:53 a.m. on a Wednesday morning. Up to this point, the two have been too groggy to speak.
BOY: Dad?
FATHER: Yes.
BOY: How long did George Clooney have a mullet?
[several seconds pass as father attempts to decipher the question]
FATHER: Wha?
BOY: How long did George Clooney have a mullet?
FATHER: Did George Clooney have a mullet?
BOY: Yeah.
[several seconds pass again]
FATHER: I, uh ... don't know.
[A minute of silence]
FATHER: Is there a reason you asked?
BOY: Not really.
FATHER: Was there a particular time period that you thought he had a mullet?
BOY: Not really.
FATHER: Was there an acceptable window of time for him to have had a mullet?
BOY: What?
FATHER: Nevermind.
END OF SCENE
SCENE NO. 2. INTERIOR OF HOUSE. LIVING ROOM.
Boy is packing his bookbag for school. He has just finished brushing his teeth and is walking through the living room wiping his mouth with his left forearm. He crams a giant white vinyl binder into the bag like a farmer attempting to force-feed a fois gras duck.
The father continues to clean the kitchen. They speak in near monotones. Neither makes eye contact.
BOY: Dad.
FATHER: Yeah?
BOY: What arm do you feel a heart attack in?
FATHER: What arm?
BOY: Yeah.
FATHER: Either one, I guess. But when it happens in a big way, it's can be both.
[several seconds of silence pass as the boy and father continue their morning tasks]
FATHER: [sounding in no way alarmed] So I take it you think you're having a heart attack?
BOY: Yes.
FATHER: Which arm do you feel it in?
BOY: This one. [boy waves right arm matter-of-factly]
FATHER: Hmmm. That's unfortunate.
[each continues their morning rituals until it is time to take the boy to school]
END OF SCENE
SCENE NO. 3: INTERIOR OF HOUSE. LIVING ROOM.
Boy is ready for school. His heavy backpack droops from his shoulders. His soiled, electric-lime-green safety patrol belt dangles from his left hand. He shuffles his feet toward the front door of the house, heading for the family vehicle for a ride to school.
His father shuffles behind him, shooing their Labrador and golden retrievers away from him so they don't execute an opportunistic escape from the domicile.
The boy begins to sing the lyrics of a Toby Keith song in a fake country voice.
BOY: [singing] "I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever waaaaaaaaas..."
[several seconds of silence pass]
BOY: Wait. That doesn't make any sense.
FATHER: Yes it does.
BOY: Then what does it mean?
FATHER: You'll find out when you get older.
BOY: Why will I find out when I get older?
FATHER: Because it's a song about what happens to you when you get older.
BOY: Seriously, dad. What does it mean.
[father pauses to consider how to interpret the lyrics in a family friendly way]
FATHER: It's like basketball. I used to be able to play well all the time. Now I can play really well, like, once. Then I'm done for a while.
BOY: Oh. I get it.
[boy and father get into a red Nissan Titan pickup truck, pull out of the driveway and head to school.]
END OF SCENE
SCENE NO 4: INTERIOR OF PICKUP TRUCK. CAR LINE AT A SUBURBAN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
Father turns into the long driveway of the boy's elementary school, which is only a few blocks away from their home.
BOY: Why do people consider George Clooney attractive?
FATHER: What?
BOY: Why do people consider George Clooney attractive?
FATHER: I don't really feel qualified to answer that question, Brian.
BOY: Seriously.
FATHER: Seriously. I don't feel qualified to answer that question. Some people just do, that's all.
[father continues to drive through school's parking lot]
BOY: Can you live on one brain cell?
FATHER: I wouldn't recommend it.
BOY: Why not?
FATHER: It's not exactly the best way to get through the day.
BOY: But could you?
FATHER: I think George Clooney proves every day that it's possible.
END OF SCENE
Gives new meaing to Goodnight and Goodluck. LOL
Posted by: Cupie at May 17, 2006 01:34 PMthat was Hilarious!!!! I'm still howling at the last line.
And I think the acorn hasn't fallen far from the tree .;)