July 27, 2007
AND NOW HE'S GONE: SIMEON RICE
So now Simeon Rice joins the swollen ranks in the Legion of Former Buccaneer Greats.
This one's gonna hurt for a while.
Not because we'll miss the sacks. We will miss the sacks, no doubt about it. Simeon will go on to rehab his shredded shoulder, join another team and make the Bucs live to regret their decision. Again. He's got too much speed to end his career now. Shoulder notwithstanding, he's kept himself in premium shape. Just like John Lynch did. Just like Brad Johnson did. Just like Keyshawn Johnson did. Just like Keenan McCardell. Just like ... :::yawn:::
No, mostly we'll miss Simeon's mouth (although Salad Wife will miss his rather fit physique as well).
There were many a day when the Salad Clan would be somewhere and we would use one of Simeon's catch phrases and mimic his purr while saying, "Classical."
When he had a radio show, Sim would say something like, "That game was classical, man." Or, "That cat was classical."
Words flow from Simeon's lips in lyrical torrents. So much so that at one time I pitched doing the Annotated Simeon Rice on Mondays after football games to explain what the hell he just said. He didn't speak inaccurately. He'd just put them in a way that would make you shake your head like the Aflac duck.
During the lead up to Super Bowl XXXVII, Rice told the media:
"I was marinating out there [as a player] in Arizona. Now I'm sauteed."
After the Bucs won the the Super Bowl, Simeon painted it thusly:
“Both philosophies came to a head, and clashed today. Better offense? Better defense? Can old players play? Everything. All those different things played out today. But the truest story that's known to man today is that we're truly No. 1.”
Players weren't players. They were cats. He didn't ask if you understood. He'd merely say, "Ya, dig?"
Never has a football player gotten so close to Dizzy Gillespie from a linguistic standpoint.
Perhaps my favorite interview with him came from a racy 2003 interview in FHM magazine. It's total Simeon, unleashed:
(On whether having a Super Bowl ring helped with attracting women)
"If you're counting on a Super Bowl to get you some pussy, then you're a sad-ass cat."
(On what he thinks about having a woman on his team)
"Is she hot? Because if she was, then she'd be getting herself pregnant by halftime."
(On who gives him inspiration)
"Walter Payton and Michael Jordan. And Bruce Lee-he was an ass-kicking son of a bitch and his philosophy was the best thing going. I see myself as a combination of the three."
And when asked if his "boys" have a home in his trousers while he's on the field of battle, he responds:
I'm definitely not freeballing. My nuts are precious. The jewels are kept in the safe and I will not relinquish the information to that safe.
We'll miss you, Sim. Training camp this year won't sound the same without you.