September 24, 2007
MARCIA, MARCIA, MARCIA. AND JAN.
So, I'm still trying to absorb the news nugget from yesterday that, apparently, Maureen McCormick (Marcia Brady from "The Brady Bunch") has written a memoir in which she allegedly describes a brief bit of exploratory sexual spelunking with Eve Plumb, who co-starred on the show as Marcia's sister, Jan.
This is the third sexual bombshell to come from the show, if you include that Mr. Brady was gay in real life and that Florence Henderson and Barry Williams once went on a date. There's no word yet on whether Cindy Brady explored the "lethbian" side of the street with her Kitty Karry-All doll.
The Marcia-Jan thing, though, has rocked me to my core. All this time I had been focused on the boy-girl thing between the oldest Brady siblings. Truth be told, I was still processing the Alice/Sam the Butcher combo platter. Didn't even occur to me to head the other direction. So much for straight man's gaydar.
Considering how bad my perception is on this sort of thing, it got me to thinking about other shows I grew up with. Perhaps I had missed other possible combinations.
TINA LOUISE AND DAWN WELLS FROM "GILLIGAN'S ISLAND"
ANALYSIS: This makes more sense than most from a character standpoint. First, because both were hot enough to melt the face off that Nazi in "Raiders of the Lost Ark." But think of it from their standpoint; if you were these two, what are your other options?
* An obese, easily frightened sailor whose weight problem probably makes him a Cialis candidate.* An anorexic moron who wears long sleeves in the tropics.
* A Dockers-wearing brainiac who'd rather make a battery with six coconuts and a bicycle.
* A wrinkled, married millionaire who sounds like Mr. Magoo.
Not exactly a Chippendales revue on that buffet. (Lovey, my friends, is not up for discussion.)
Couldn't blame Mary Ann if she buzzed around with her fellow Honeybee. After all, you can't wait for Kurt Russell to show up as Jungle Boy every week. Sometimes when you're on a deserted island, you just gotta.
HOTNESS QUOTIENT: 8
THE WOMEN FROM "PETTICOAT JUNCTION"
ANALYSIS: The opening credits were a tipoff: An inference that three women were swimming nude in the water tower. (Remember how they had to pull their dresses back over the side to get dressed?) Oh, and they lived in "Hooterville." The hottest guy in town was Sam Drucker. The only thing that kept this from turning into a '60s version of "The L Word" was that dog who was swimming with them in the water tower. That he pulled a dress back over the side hints at more weirdness than we care to imagine.
HOTNESS QUOTIENT (minus the dog): 5
YVONNE DECARLO AND PAT PRIEST FROM "THE MUNSTERS"
Ponds cold cream that goth makeup off DeCarlo and you would have found a scorching hot MILF (Monster I'd Like ... well, you know the rest). That Pat Priest as Marilyn could parachute into this house and not make Grandpa lose his vampiric mind set off bells in my head as a kid that all was not well at the International House of Munster. Still, the older funereal matriarch/blond bombshell thing doesn't really light any matches now, does it?
HOTNESS QUOTIENT: 1
DONNA DOUGLAS AND NANCY KULP ON "THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES"
ANALYSIS: Long before Ellen and Portia, there was Miss Jane Hathaway and Ellie May Clampett. Stay with me here. Homely meets beauty... No? Okay. You're right. Something about Ellie May didn't work for me. Maybe it was the rope belt. Maybe it was the lighter-than-ether Coal Miner's Daughter accent. Maybe it was because she was dumber than a bag of rocks. Whatever. That and the fact Nancy Kulp looked like half the nuns at my Catholic elementary school makes this pairing less than palatable.
HOTNESS QUOTIENT: - 5
JAN SMITHERS AND LONI ANDERSON FROM "WKRP IN CINCINNATI"
ANALYSIS: You're kidding, right? This was automatic. The Bailey Quarters/Jennifer Elizabeth Marlowe hookup tumbled in my head through the pubescent wheelhouse years of 13 to 17. Both had a little something I liked at the time; one was bookish and smart and cute, while the other was half-naked on a poster in the display case at Spencer Gifts that was in the back of the store with the black lights, wave machines and marital aids. That qualification went very far with me back then. That both women were on the same show saved me a lot of time.
How hot was Smithers? Warren Beatty even took a run at her at one point. Not that this is a huge compliment, considering Beatty attempted to mount everything in town during that span of time. But still, that gives her some sexual street cred, if only because she was a hotter version of Diane Keaton and Jill Clayburgh and, you know, they were probably busy the night Warren settled for her. Before there was Pam on "The Office," there was Bailey Quarters.
As for Loni ... well, all I can say is that she was fifth on Teen Years Depth Chart behind Ronstadt, Tiegs, Ladd and Erin Grey from "Buck Rogers." A couple years ago, I interviewed Loni for a story and she still looked gorgeous in that hyperplastic, Peroxide-ish, trophy wife, what-the-hell-do-you-call-that-bony-valley-between-her-boobs-that-Tori-Spelling-has-too kind of way. Stacy's mom still has got it goin' on.
HOTNESS QUOTIENT: 8.5
DAPHNE AND VELMA FROM "SCOOBY DO"
ANALYSIS: When you examine the clues to this mystery, you can see this absolutely could have happened. First, they were always crawling around in the dark. Second, they had access to a van, which, back in the '70s, was like driving around in Hefner's Jacuzzi. Remember, the popular phrase wasn't, "If the AMC Pacer is a-rockin', don't come knockin."
Still, there were plenty of obstacles to prevent experimentation. Riding around with Shaggy and Scooby had to be the ultimate buzzkill. And then there were all those scarves Daphne wore. Jinkies, those were ugly.
These two probably could have got it on if it wasn't for those pesky kids snooping around.
HOTNESS QUOTIENT: 3
RUE MCCLANAHAN AND BETTY WHITE FROM "THE GOLDEN GIRLS"
Check, please.
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