August 22, 2003
IT'S STOOOOOOOOOPER DUCK
I'm having difficulty. I really am.
There's a part of me that wants to applaud the random acts of strangers for pulling off the kind of thing that becomes a flash mob. I really do.
But something stronger in me wants to screw with the people planning the next Tampa flash mob on Aug. 23 at the International Plaza mall. Especially when I get this kind of detailed e-mail:
The title of this event is "Gone Quackers"
Okay, strike one, Groucho. But I'll let this one pass since you're so new at this. Understand, though, that the tolerance leash is getting shorter by the moment.
More instructions:
First thing that you do is Saturday Morning sync your watches with the time at the official U.S. time clock. That will put us all on the same time frame: 1:00 p.m. That is very important!
Okay, time out, Chachi. You seem to have forgotten that this is an informal event. I can appreciate precision as much as the next man. I'm a sucker for a watch that runs well. But synchronizing watches to zero-hour? This isn't 'Mission Impossible.' It's a flash mob.
Sigh.
More directions:
Start to arrive at around 12:40 P.M. and park in the area of the Bay Street entrance and make your way to the Food Court area of the mall. If you have never been there before feel free to ask anyone where the food court is.
No shit.
Feel free to purchase yourself a refreshment from any of the restaraunts in the food court and eat all of the samples of food that are being handed out.
Thanks. I couldn't have handled that detail, pal. Good thing we've synched our watches.
Take a seat anywhere in the food court and act natural as not to be noticed by any bystanders. Do not talk loudly about the event. Keep it hush hush.
Is it okay if I keep it on the QT instead? Or would I have to sync my watch again?
At 1:05 exactly get up and QUICKLY AND QUIETLY form a single file line from the corner where Haggen Dazs is located.
QUICKLY AND QUIETLY? Good. I think I would've overlooked the directions had they not been in caps.
As soon as the line is formed we all put our thumbs under our armpits and flap our Duck Wings as we WADDLE AND QUACK our way along the DUCK TRAIL!
Oh, will we? Can I stop at Haggen Dazs for a scoop of dignity while we're at it?
If the line is too long just fall inline at the rear.
Well, if that isn't optimism...
The DUCK TRAIL will proceed in the direction as follows: Take a right at Haagen Dazs and head toward the elevators. When you reach the front of the elevators take a left. Then proceed to the walkway bridge and take a right. Once you cross the bridge take another right and head toward the escalators. Board the down escalator and at the bottom gather do not leave. Continue to waddle around and flap your wings in the area in front of the fountain and pond until the last duck is at the bottom of the escalator. Once the last duck reaches the bottom of the escalator we all break into a 1 minute applause and go on our own ways.
Nice. Simplicity and subtlety. Just what I like.
REMEMBER WE ARE ALL DUCKS AND MUST STAY IN CHARACTER.
You know... I... Nah. I'm gonna let this one collapse under its own ponderous weight.
If anyone trys to stop you from walking just continue on past them quacking the whole way! No talking during the duck walk. Ducks do not speak english!
Apparently ducks are unable to spell tries. They also fail to capitalize the word English. They do, however, capitalize condescending directions.
Have a small piece of paper in your pocket with www.TampaMobProject.com in your pocket and if anyone asks you after the walk what was going on just hand them the piece of paper and say, "Quack, Quack," and smile!
Is it okay if I shit myself? You know, the way a duck does when it's about to be accosted? Because I think that would really help me explore the sense-memory of my non-English waterfowl character, Stella Adler.
I hope that you all show up and bring along your husbands, wives, boyfriends, children, neighbors, friends, families, or anyone else that you can bring along. Just make sure to inform them of the plan!
Funny. I didn't know ducks had girlfriends, mistresses and lovers.
Wait. Here's my favorite part.
There will be media attention on this event. Do not talk to any media until after the event is through. If you would like to make statements to the media about the event and why you signed up and attended feel free to do so. Just remember to mention www.TampaMobProject.com in your interview.
There are several points worth noting about this paragraph.
No. 1: He's obviously alerted the media about an event that is supposed to appear spontaneous. Well done. It's obviously not about the experience any longer, it's about garnering the largest amount of attention possible.
No. 2: The directions tell when and when not to talk to the media, assuming they show up on a Saturday when they have the least number of reporters and photographers available.
No. 4: You are thereby granted the freedom to make statements about the event. Gee, thanks. In fact, I think I'm doing so right now.
No. 5: Oh, and if you do choose to speak to the media, assuming they show up on a Saturday when they have the least number of reporters and photographers available, by all means, plug the Web site.
The hubris of all this is making me woozy. All these flash mob vapors have taken me ill and I must retire. This is so beyond stupid, I'd need a Sherpa to guide me back to normal.