August 13, 2003
THE ASSES OF FIRE TOUR
Concurrently and in conjunction and at the same time as the Hulk Hands Project and the Sombrero Project, I and many of my colleagues are endeavoring to find the very best wings in the Tampa/St. Pete/Metropolitan Lutz area. Why? Because God gave us mouths and they should be used for recreational consumption.
Anyway, we've set a goal of eating at about a dozen places that aren't chains like Hooters or general public retail dining establishments like Denny's. The goal is to get our colons in shape for football season so that, you know, we don't pull a muscle gnawing on a drumette or something equally as tragic.
And because we know that there will be gastric repercussions from this culinary Bataan Death March, we have dubbed the laudable - if foolhardy - effort The Asses of Fire Tour.
Clever, I know. We're considering having T-shirts made to commemorate the project.
So far we've visited:
**Elmer's Sports Cafe in Ybor City.
**Legends Bar & Grill in Carrollwood.
**The Firehouse bar and restaurant.
Among the restaurants that the rest of the itinerary is scheduled to include are:
**Barnacle's Restaurant in Brandon. (Home of 450 televisions.)
**The Tampa Bay Brewing Co. (Motto: Beer Is Your Friend.)
**Norman's Hideaway Lounge on St. Pete Beach. These were strongly suggested by our boss.
**The Wing Zone south of Fowler in Tampa. Get it? Fowl-er? Nevermind.
**The Dogwater Cafe, where they promise to "treat you like the dog you are.''
It's an ambitious plan, to be sure. But we're fairly convinced that by the end of the tour we'll either be qualified to consider ourselves true wing connoisseurs or we'll qualify as rectally aflame from a condiment and chemical standpoint.
To see visual proof of our efforts and keep track of our progress, go to this online photo gallery. I can't promise that the results will be attractive. You may get a contact coronary out of it. But I do guarantee that you will observe the gastronomic decline of several otherwise rational adults.