August 08, 2003
T-T-TOTINO'S
You know it's football season (yes, there's a Bucs preseason game tonight in Miami against the fish) when the boys at the Times Football League start debating the relative merits of Totino's frozen pizzas.
For the unitiated, the TFL is the hardest of the hardcore private rotisserie football leagues. They have their own Web site, their own media guide and, in about three weeks, they'll be meeting in Buffalo for their annual convention and draft. Two years ago, it was in New York City. One of the guys looked out his hotel window to see smoke coming from the World Trade Center towers. I was once a member, until I had a hissy and stormed out like a 7 year old girl. I'm such an ass.
Anyway, the Totino's chatter gets a little thicker as the season approaches. Consider this exchange between two friends, Scott and Mike:
Scott: Like I need to argue about the perfection of Totinos. May as well argue about gravity.
Mike: The only argument to be made about Totinos is what's the best flavor. I say the Combination, with Hamburger running a close second. But as I've said many times in here, what sets Totinos apart is not the toppings, but the patented baffled crust.
Scott: I'm a Combination man through and through. And I agree, the baffled crust is the key.
But here's the thing. For you heathens who claim Totinos is a marginal food source, listen closely: you have to cook Totinos directly on the oven rack. Yes, it makes a mess. But excellence requires sacrifice.
Mike: It not only leaves a mess, but cooking a Totinos directly on the oven rack creates some tense moments when it's time to transfer the pizza from oven rack to plate. It always sticks a little, so you've got to give it a strong nudge from behind with a large knife. If you put too much force into it or don't position your plate correctly, the pizza is apt to dislodge all at once and go flying out of the oven and onto the kitchen floor. This has never happened to me, but I've had some close calls. I'd be curious to know how others have dealt with this hazard.
Scott: I've been refining my Totinos extraction technique for over a decade. Here are a few tips.
1. Pull the oven rack itself out around six inches. This is best accomplished using the wrong end of a butcher's knife blade. With the oven rack pulled out, you have better leverage and you won't feel the intense heat of the oven as much.
2. Using the sharp tip of the butcher's knife, slide knife beneath the pie at 6 o'clock. Pull up until you sense the pie is about to rip. Repeat same technique at 3 and 9 o'clock.
3. Have a plate or cutting board ready in your left hand, just below oven rack level.
4. Slide the butcher's knife directly beneath the center of the pie until the tip is at 12 o'clock. Lift pie a half inch, tilt tip of knife up another inch or so, and back her out. The pie should never be lifted more than an inch above the rack during extraction.
5. Cut pie into four triangles. Stuff triangles into piehole. Enjoy.
Mike: I'm still waiting for a guy on death row to order a Totinos as his final meal.
It's difficult to conceive, I know, but these men have jobs and girlfriends.