January 14, 2004

REAPER'S DELIGHT

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Call me morbid. Say my actions denote bad taste. Accuse me of taunting the afterworld.

Say whatever you want. But predicting celebrity death can be fun.

Especially when it's done right, like we do it in the Reaper's Delight dead pool.

Each year for the past several, friends and co-workers at my place of employment have been selecting 10 celebrities at the beginning of the year that they think will assume room temperature.

Generally, this leads to selections of the aged, the infirmed or, sometimes, the unemployable "Love Boat"-quality actor.

When I joined my place of employment, the job fell to me to perform as Death Commissioner, so I built a Web site and off we ran.

Lo and behold, I wound up winning the 2003 contest. Three of my 10 took a dirt nap - Gregory Peck, Maurice Gibb and Johnny Cash. For this, my victory was celebrated with a delicious frozen Carvel Cookie Puss.

When asked by my colleague and competitor Karla what I wanted drawn on the cake, I said, "Death Facilitator."

"They're not going to be able to spell that,'' she said. "How about R.I.P."

Anyway, the 2004 contest entries are in.

My choices this year are:

1. Mary McGrory, 85; Washington Post columnist learns the new meaning of deadline.

2. Janet Frame, 79; New Zealand author. Sing with me now: FRAME! She's not gonna live forever...

3. Jack LaLanne, 89; King of the push ups starts pushing up daisies. A question: Do they wear unitards in heaven?

4. Billy Graham, 85; The original Bee Gee goes to meet his maker.

5. Bob Sheppard, 87; Now batting in Heaven's On-Deck Circle, Yankee Stadium announcer, Bob....Sheppard.

6. Mike Douglas, 79; His first guest when he gets to heaven: John Lennon!

7. Paris Hilton, 23; Skanks for the memories.

8. Kirk Douglas, 88; "I...am... DEADICUS!"

9. Blake Edwards, 82; Victor, Victoria... doesn't matter. Both will be toes up by the end of the year.

10. Lee Roy Selmon, 49; The former Tampa Bay Buccaneer reportedly has a heart rate similar to a hummingbird sipping from a bird feeder filled with espresso and crack.



There were some great picks this year, especially by Katherine (9. Woody Allen, 68; No hits + no rich partner + married to adopted daughter = karmic retribution.), Jill (3. David Blaine, 30; Abra-Cadaver.), and George (9. Adam West, 75; "Holy, shit, Batman.")

My favorite, though, was Rommie's. Admitting that he rarely scores points in this contest, he instead opted for style. His list is "a morbid homage to the lovely ladies who ushered me into puberty." They include Donna Douglas of "Petticoat Junction," Jan Smithers of "WKRP in Cincinnati" and Heather Thomas, (Jody from "The Fall Guy''; born 9/8/57).

What's her fate? Rommie predicts, "The object of my first bedroom-wall poster gets "Zapped!''

If only words could make it so, my friend.

Like I said, it's not a tasteful effort. But I tend to think that it embraces the idea that our time on earth is limited. And that all your money and fame buys you is a bigger headline when it's time to walk that Red Carpet In The Sky.

Posted by Jeff at January 14, 2004 08:19 AM | TrackBack
Comments

Donna Douglas was in "Beverly Hillbillies", not "Petticoat Junction".
Sorry, I hate to be so picky.

No, I don't, not really. :) Neener neener, I knew this and YOU didn't!
It's just cos I'm an old fart from back then, I guess.

Posted by: LeeAnn at January 14, 2004 12:09 PM

For that, you made my list for next year.

Posted by: Jeff at January 14, 2004 02:00 PM

I read the lists and am shocked to see nobody from the Rolling Stones on the list. Those guys are due for a loss, right?
Ron Wood, Keith Richards... Those would be my choices.

Posted by: Manicgurl at January 15, 2004 08:59 AM

I'm such a dope... I also meant to say that my dad had a job once where they had a Dead Pool. Everyone chose one person and every week the people who picked a name had to put money in a pool, and the first person who had their choice die got all the money.
Sounds much better than a Carvel Cookie, no?

Posted by: Manicgurl at January 15, 2004 09:02 AM