SIDE SALAD - Everything crunchy is good.

THERE BUT FOR
THE GRACE OF GOD
GO MEN EVERYWHERE,
PART II

Earlier this month, Willie Drye, author of Storm of the Century: The Labor Day Hurricane of 1935, passed along the juicy news item about the guy who was found naked while pinned under his girlfriend's gate.

Always on the lookout for naked public buffoonery, Willie sends this story of a man who celebrated his birthday wearing only nacho cheese:

Cheesy, nude Monn arrested
MARYVILLE, Tenn. -- Michael P. Monn's birthday celebration went a little awry when he was arrested while drunk, nude and covered with nacho cheese.

Monn was detained early Sunday as he ran toward a Jeep in the parking lot outside a swimming pool snack bar.

According to police, he was stark naked and was carrying a box of Frito Lay snacks and a container of nacho cheese.

"The male had nacho cheese in his hair, on his face and on his shoulders," Maryville Police Department officer Scott Spicer said.

"The nude male had a strong odor of alcohol and was semi-incoherent."

Investigators suspect Monn climbed an 8-foot fence, broke into the pool snack bar through a window, threw nacho cheese on a wall and scattered chips on the ground.

About $40 in chips and $7 in nacho cheese were stolen.

Monn was charged with burglary, theft of less than $500, vandalism less than $500 and public intoxication and was cited for indecent exposure.

He was held at the Blount County Jail in lieu of a $9,300 bond.

It was Monn's 23rd birthday.

My suspicion about the veracity of this story began neither with the choice of viscous adornment, nor with his ability to scale an 8-foot fence while possibly drunk. I, too, have committed Herculean feats while non-sober. In fact, I once lifted a steaming locomotive in order to save a helpless kitten while fueled with a bottle of Monte Alban. But that's a story for another day.

No, I question the stated $7 value of the nacho cheese. That seems awful inflated to me. For 7 bucks, you can fill a jacuzzi with fake nacho cheese. (Don't ask how I know this.) I can't imagine this poor sod accumulating enough to even bring the total to $1.99.

Posted by Jeff at July 21, 2004 11:15 PM