October 24, 2004
FOOTBALL HOUCKU:
A GATOR FAN'S SUNDAY LAMENT
The threads are beginning to unravel.
It's about damn time.
I was in Chili's yesterday in my neighborhood, eating with my family, when the manager walks up and says, "I saw you were watching the game. I have bad news: the Gators lost."
I did not flinch.
"I am not sad,'' I told him. "Every loss brings us one game closer to firing Ron Zook."
And so it shall.
The drum beats for Zook's replacement are getting louder, now that the Gators have lost to doormat Mississippi State 38-31. Don't bother trying to log on to FireRonZook.com. Too many people are already way ahead of you.
How bad is it? We drove up to see them play Middle Tennessee last week and were shocked to see 10,000 empty seats in the student section.
I know Middle Tennessee isn't exactly FSU, but that had to alarm the athletic director, Jeremy Foley. It has seemed at times that Foley and Zook were joined in some death pact, with Foley extending Zook's contract and acting like the coach was more a relative than an employee. But you can't overlook 10,000 people who aren't buying your beer, your popcorn and your souvenirs. Even the doormat opponents brought out a full-house during Steve Spurrier's reign, if only for one quarter so we could see what kind of crazy shit the ol' ball coach would throw at them.
Like Indiana Jones snapping out of his trance in "Temple of Doom," Foley seemed come to his senses this week with one simple quote: "This certainly is not acceptable at the University of Florida."
Even my friend Rommie sent a despondent e-mail. "Why do I continue to waste my Saturday afternoons watching Gators football?"
Because, I told him. You want to be watching when Zook coaches his last game.
Joe Henderson summed it up nicely today in The Tampa Tribune:
Ron Zook is not a bad man, just a clueless one.
He doesn't cheat. He works hard.
His players seem to like him - ``We stand behind him 100 percent,'' Harris said.
But they don't play for him. He doesn't get them ready and he gets outcoached. He turns blowouts into close games, and close games into losses. He turns 24 1/2-point favorites into losers.
All of which has inspired this ream of Houcku. Consider it therapy:
Were you not awake?
You lost big to MSU.
Bad things lie ahead.
If I were you, Ron,
I'd start looking for new work.
Retail sales, maybe.
A frog that had legs
Wouldn't bump its ass to hop
To see Gators play.
One question for Zook:
How can we miss you if you
Won't go away, Ron?
Ten thousand bare seats,
For a home game in The Swamp?
You call yourself "coach?"
Ha, Zook rhymes with hook,
Which is what I'd give you if
You were my head coach.
Here's an idea:
Fire Ron Zook now and hire
Teresa Heinz Kerry.
PREVIOUS LAMENTATIONS:
Hold on to the damn lead.
Can't even figure out the coin toss.
Second place sucks.
Ski head first.
Actually, your exact words were as follows: "Because you, as I do, hope eternal that somehow, some way, a linebacker will chase his opponent out of bounds and spear Zook in the head." But, hey, close enough.
I stand corrected.
Posted by: Jeff at October 28, 2004 07:31 AMI think what happened was, Foley finally found the negatives Zook had been keeping in an old cigar box somewhere . . .
Posted by: spencer at October 28, 2004 05:01 PM