SIDE SALAD - Everything crunchy is good.

'I'M AGAINST PICKETING,
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SHOW IT.'

Under the heading of "Things That No One Else Would Care About That I Meant To Write For The Blog But I Was Too Busy Eating Easter Chocolate And TiVo-ing "MXC":

While everyone was out catterwalling and kvetching about the Pope and Terri Schiavo, standup comedian Mitch Hedberg's obituary slipped quietly into the papers. Hedberg died suddenly at age 37 on March 30. He takes his place in the pantheon of legendary prematurely dead greats now occupied by Bill Hicks and Lenny Bruce.

Hedberg was a true throwback to the comics of the '60s and '70s who were there to do comedy, not audition for a sitcom. With a distinctive style that was half-hippie, half-Steven Wright, Hedberg had been drawing big crowds and doing frequent shots on the late-night TV circuit. (You can see clips by clicking here, here, here, and here. A couple short clips of him doing "Clerks"-style scenes in a movie called "Los Enchiladas" can be found here and here.

I mention this because I tripped across Robin's Shutterblog entry, a photo of him from the audience shot in 2002. As Robin explains it on her previous Ain't To Proud To Blog entry:

Mitch had trouble getting his drink refilled during his set, so he finally asked for a whole bottle. When the waiter brought one up that was about 2/3 of the way full, he invited anyone in the audience that wanted to do a shot with him up to the stage. If it had been anything but whiskey, I'd have been there in a heartbeat -- but mostly just guys were up to the challenge (photos here). He kept running out, and eventually a waiter brought up a stack of plastic cups and two other full bottles. He told jokes throughout all of this, so it was like a huge frat party. Mitch was trashed himself by the end of it, after turning the bottle upside down and chugging to our chants.

I had yet to hear what the ultimate cause of death was. There were all kinds of rumors, but nothing officially given.

Instead, I found this story on Slate about how Hedberg was poised to be the next Seinfeld sitcom king:

In Hedberg's prime in the late 1990s, however (which is best captured on his first CD, the charmingly amateur Strategic Grill Locations), the Seinfeld comparison seemed plausible. Like Seinfeld, he was an apolitical white guy who defamiliarized everyday life in a way that seemed to transcend comedy. But, unlike Seinfeld, he was easy to like. While Seinfeld's humor always had an edge of social superiority, Hedberg's radiated pure affection: He loved his audience, his jokes, and almost everything in the world—waffles, doughnuts, roommates, electric fans, bananas, animals:

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know, I'm like "Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf."

But it proved not to be. Pilots fell through and Hedberg had his own personal troubles, not the least of which was a heroin arrest and a bunch of canceled standup shows. As Slate puts it:

Before his rapid decline, Hedberg was arguably the best club comic of the last decade—an achievement that sounds, in our era of cross-promotion, something like "the best backup shortstop on my mom's slow-pitch softball team." But that was his real ambition. In interviews and in his act, he always insisted that stand-up was a self-sufficient art—he joked that the industry's drive to convert comics into actors and talk-show hosts was like saying to a chef: "Alright you're a cook. Can you farm?" Even at the height of his success he toured relentlessly, headlining four nights a week at smallish clubs and college campuses. He died, in fact, in a hotel room between shows.

The Onion A.V. Club did an interview in September that had some nice insights as well:

O: Did you admire other comedians who've had that kind of style? Henny Youngman? Steven Wright?

MH: Actually, when I first read my act described as "He does one-liners," I was like "No, no, I'm so much more than that." I guess the one-liner kind of comic sounds like a guy who can talk and talk and whatever the subject is, he can pull out a one-liner, but I couldn't do that. I didn't like the association. I mean, I love Steven Wright, but so many people started saying "Steven Wright" to me, and I would get mad, because I never wanted to be thought of as copying anybody.

O: What comedians do you like?

MH: You know, I like the Triumph The Insult Comic Dog man [Robert Smigel]. He really makes me laugh. I know he's just a comedian with a puppet, but I've just grown to love him. When it comes to someone who's like a little bit real to me, I like Marc Maron. I also think Dave Attell is so funny, even offstage. Basically, it's just a constant show, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Some people say, "I saw Dave Attell's show." I say, "Ah, you saw, you know, one hour of it," you know? The first comic I ever saw was Gallagher, and I thought he was funny, I won't lie to you. At the time, I wasn't doing stand-up, so I had no idea he was so hated. Once I became a stand-up, I had to hate him, but I still remember the day I liked him. I just saw Andrew "Dice" Clay again, and I have to tell you, man, I think all it took for me was 20 years to settle down and see how funny he is. I'm glad he's still on the road. When he was at his peak, I didn't check it out, but now I see what the hype was about, man. Now I see. And I also love my wife. I married a comedian, Lynn Shawcroft, and she's blown me away ever since I first saw her.

If you want to read some of his best lines click to the jump:

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She made it half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.

Pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As if there's any other way to take it in.

2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. I need more dice."

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up."

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere..."

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...

I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".

My friend was walking down the street and he said, "I hear music." As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

I snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it though. One day I'm gonna though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky..."

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for... That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."

I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly...

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day...

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."

Posted by Jeff at May 13, 2005 07:34 AM | TrackBack