May 14, 2005
EXCUSE ME WHILE I WHIP THIS OUT
Now that hurricane season is approaching, Willie Drye, author of Storm of the Century: The Labor Day Hurricane of 1935, is of course back to thinking about penile stories he's found in the news.
If there is a yin and yang to this cosmic soup, it is that Willie thinks about purile topics at a time when others are considering meteorological mayhem. And vice versa.
Seems Willie is now captivated by the story about the NFL football player who was found to be in possession of a "Whizzinator," a life-like prosthetic penis that promises to help illegal drug users pass urine tests.
All of which has provoked U.S. lawmakers this week to consider taking legal action with subpoenas of manufacturers.
Heh-heh, I said subpoenas.
Hey guys:Is this a great country, or what? If there's a demand out there, no matter how obscure or esoteric -- or illegal -- American entrepreneurship will find a way to deliver it to your doorstep.
Let's say you're very, very fond of, um, poppyseed bagels, and one day you're suddenly facing a random urine test on you at your place of employment. Think of how embarrased you'd be trying to explain why you tested positive for an opium product! What a misunderstanding!
No problem. You've got ... the Whizzinator, a fake schlong that produces a steady flow of clean urine on demand "again and again, anytime." Read on. It gets better.
What a country.
Personally, Willie, I thought the headline was the funniest thing about the story:
Lawmakers launch probe into 'Whizzinator' and other productsWASHINGTON - A life-like prosthetic penis called the Whizzinator and other products promising to help illegal drug users pass urine tests provoked U.S. lawmakers on Wednesday to take legal action with subpoenas of manufacturers.
Lawmakers objected to attempts to circumvent drug tests with products such as The Whizzinator, a fake penis that can provide a flow of clean urine “again and again, anytime, anywhere you need it!” according to the Web site www.whizzinator.comA congressional subcommittee voted to subpoena the owner of Puck Technology of Signal Hill, Calif, the company that makes the Whizzinator. The panel also voted to subpoena the owners of Health Choice of New York City and Spectrum Labs of Cincinnati, two companies that lawmakers said also were suspected of selling products aimed at circumventing workplace drug tests.
The owners were required to provide financial and operational records by Monday and to appear at a congressional hearing on Tuesday.
“These companies seek through deception to make a buck by violating our trust and compromising our security,” said Rep. Ed Whitfield, a Kentucky Republican who chairs the House Energy and Commerce Committee’s oversight and investigations panel.
“It is a risk we simply cannot tolerate. This panel will uncover how widespread these products are and recommend the necessary steps to end their use,” Whitfield said in a statement.
Actor Tom Sizemore, who played a sergeant in the war movie “Saving Private Ryan,” was caught using the Whizzinator to try and pass drug tests, California prosecutors said in February. He was put in jail after using a similar device and failing a drug test, prosecutors said.
I don't know about you, but all this talk makes me have to go potty.
But then, I share too much.
PREVIOUS LETTERS FROM WILLIE:
Santa smokes dope.
Shopping for love.
Mack the knife.
You say N'awlins. I say New Orleans.
Go to hell, Ivan.
Flirtin' with disaster.
How low can it go?
Anyone for an storm surge?
Look at me when I'm talkin' to you, tiny eyes.
Anyone care for a blindfold and a cigarette?
A healthy serving of "drunken Swede."
Flame on!
Rankled by rankings.
Remembering Buddy Hackett.