SIDE SALAD - Everything crunchy is good.

HOME FREAK HOME

We were trying to have a little fun on Saturday doing something that, you know, didn't involve the expenditure of too much gasoline. So of course we drove from Valrico to downtown Tampa to go to "Florida's Largest Home Show" at the convention center.

Salad Wife and I had visions of picking up tasteful decorating ideas from showcasing designers or possibly finding some sort of accessory our home couldn't do without.

We found neither.

What we did see was a whole lot of weird.

The first thing we saw through the front doors something of a an island of misfit statues and sculptures that were for auction. There were your requisite swooping eagles and pulchritudinous mermaids (a home show theme, as you'll see).


And a bronze sculpture of two frogs, one of which appears to be using an illicit lillypad to service his amphibian counterpart.


Unimaginably, there were half-wits bidding on this stuff in a makeshift auction. In this photo, the auctioneer is backlighting a tiffany window hanging of an indian head. You know, just in case someone from the NCAA is in the audience.


Sales plus: This company is selling hurricane-proof "safe rooms" the weekend after Hurricane Katrina.
Sales minus: The "safe rooms" are not Lake Ponchartrain-flood-proof.


Repeat after me the random geriatric-inspired "Caddyshack" quote:

"That's a peach, hon."

Tacky sculptures: $50.
Safe-rooms that aren't that safe: $3,000
A refined sense of home furnishing taste: Priceless
For everything else, there's Garlic Card.


This is Ron Burgandy, reporting from the booth with the mirrored fireplace fish tank, saying, "Stay classy, Tampa Bay."


Some people are way too comfortable sleeping in public places.



Let me pause to think here for a moment...

:::How can I spend the maximum amount for something wet, ugly and expensive that's bound to break down in the first two weeks due to moisture exposure...

I know! I'll outfit my spa tub with a retractable plasma TV screen!:::


How much for a reclining leather chair that's the color of vomited flan and comes with an attached swivel eating desk?


Marked down?!?!? What a steal!


No doubt these are made by the same people who manufacture Schwety Balls.

As the advertising slogan goes, "No one can resist their dryer balls."


Sally was dumbfounded that her banner's offer wasn't reeling in passersby like it had been three weeks ago.


A little sticker on these swings reads, "As seen in 'Behind The Green Door.'"


Status among hot tub suppliers is conveyed though two visual cues: large yellow plastic ducks and tubs filled with peppermint schnapps.


Is this the largest commercially available hot tub on the market?

No.

It's actually...


A conversion of Captain Pike's wheelchair from "Star Trek."


Introducing the Pimpbot Tiki Tub 9000, perfect for any luau, prom night or adult movie shoot.


If only Barry White had lived long enough to see the hot tub artform elevated with mood lighting worthy of a 1979 Chevy conversion van.


You know, at a certain point, an outdoor kitchen ceases being that and instead becomes a kitchen in need of an actual house.


The find of the day: Large, glowing theraputic salt lamps.

How theraputic, might you ask?


Eh, if nothing else, they'll make you really, really thirsty.


Larry Flynt called. He wants his shower doors back.


I think I saw Tara Reid modeling for this on "Wild On Tara."


What does that sign say on the side of the box?


Well, that's comforting to know.


Didn't Jimi Hendrix play with The Friskies Experience?

Posted by Jeff at September 9, 2005 07:41 AM | TrackBack