SIDE SALAD - Everything crunchy is good.

GETTING CRUSTY

So, like I said, I've been busy writing words for The Man.

But I've not been too busy to conduct a Super Bowl of Frozen Pizza.

I was dispatched to create such a contest in my new role as food writer for The Tribune. So much for my desire for a career in manual labor.

Anyway, Rommie and I did our advance work, scouring the aisles of a local grocery store that rhymes with the word "Ublix" and decided to pit eight pizzas against each other in a lights-out culinary cage match.

The ultimate pizza grail: The Boyardee Trophy.

Hey, it was the best I could do with a pizza cutter, a red pepper shaker, a hammer and a flat-head screwdriver.

We crammed some Totino's in the barrel of it to give the thing some color.

You normally have to go to a strip club to see men with faces this serious.

Or so I've heard.

That's one small slice of Freschetta Three Cheese and Bacon pizza for a man, one giant slice for mankind.

Tampa hasn't seen judging this intense since... well, I have to go back to the AKC/Eukanuba National Championship.

Speaking of which, the slice of Celeste supreme pizza I ate did give off the faint flavor of dachshund. I'm sure it's just me.

Albert "Bucified Bert" Owens lent the tasting a bit of his celebrity. Up until he started judging pizza on the merits of their similarity to Tampa Bay Buccaneers colors.

A sad note: We learned after the tasting that the Tony's mascot had been wiretapped and later detained as a "person of suspicion."

If you're gonna eat pizza, you've gotta come Gramatica-ly correct.

This is the face of pure joy.

Our finalists: Freschetta Sauce Stuffed Supreme Pizza With Grilled Vegetables versus Red Baron Classic Special Deluxe

Who won?

Gimme an F!


Anyone for a mint?

If you want to vote for your favorite, click here.

Not to be missed: the NFL Films-style video we shot of the playoff. You get to see a grown Salad Man wreck his knee for professional purposes.

Posted by Jeff at February 4, 2006 03:06 PM