So Salad Wife and I give Salad Boy to Salad Mom last night and decide to go to the movies for the first night out in forever. It's a big deal for us. I don't want to say that time alone is infrequent, but we only really go out every time the Catholics change popes.
Anyway, we go to dinner, have a nice time, then look in the paper for a film to go see.
Our selections:
1. Gay cowboy movie
2. Suburban transvestive movie
3. Vampire movie
4. Sequel to unfunny comedy about a man in a fat suit pretending to be a woman so he can score babes
5. An interacial love story
6. A fictionalized international terrorist assassination movie about a real-life event that was dramatic enough to not need fictionalization
7. A biopic about a lisping, baby-voiced crime novelist
8. A Woody Allen movie
9. A horror movie in which a cell phone is the main method of psychological torture
10. A children's film featuring a snaggle-toothed hag
11. A children's fantasy film about kids who can't stay out of their father's wardrobe
12. A Jim Carrey movie
13. An esoteric, thinly veiled-propaganda film about the Naval Academy
14. A tepid black-and-white biopic about a chain-smoking, monotone TV documentarian in the 1950s
16...... oh, nevermind. It just gets worse from there.
We even considered going back to see the overblown, turgid gigantic ape movie, we were so desperate.
The movie we wanted to see, the Academy Award-nominated movie that should have been in theaters, "Walk The Line?" Nowhere to be found without having to drive through Hell and half of Georgia.
In the end, we drove 30 miles south to shop for bargains at an outlet mall before coming home and ordering "Wedding Crashers" pay-per-view. Best first-half of a movie we've seen in a while. The end was so slow, we fell asleep.
That means we didn't pay for overpriced movie tickets. We didn't buy the grossly expensive movie popcorn and beverages. We didn't buy the soundtrack to the film. We won't be buying the movie and then never watching it ever again when it comes out on DVD.
And Hollywood wonders why its losing money?
I have nothing against gay cowboys. Seriously. I'm a big fan of the Village People's work, and that covers about 6 different gay professions, including suede-chapped livestock handlers.
I have nothing against transvestite movies. "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" was a great flick. Terence Stamp should have won the Oscar that year.
I'm not asking for 50 versions of "The Sound of Music." I don't want pablum for pablum's sake. I just want a movie I can go see that doesn't make me feel like I'm being lectured to, lied to, talked down to or ripped off. I'd even settle for a "Porky's" or "Police Academy" at this point. Something in an "Ishtar" or a "Heaven's Gate" looks real appealing right now, if only for the car-crash-by-the-side-of-the-road allure.
But throw me a frickin' bone here, people. There's a reason I watch "Shawshank" every time it comes on. (Which, knowing TBS, will be every three hours for the next 35 years.) There's a reason I can't pull away when "White Men Can't Jump" comes on in the middle of a Saturday afternoon. I can't remember the last time I walked out of a theater and thought, "I'm glad I just invested two hours and $30 of my money to sit with strangers who don't know how to shut up or shut off their cellphones." Was it "Batman Returns?" Was it "Wallace & Grommit?" Hard to say.
Have your people call my people, Hollywood. We'll do dinner and a movie. Just make a good one, for crissakes. That's all we ask.
Until then, I'll stick to cable.
You should have opted for the gay cowboy movie.
Put Romeo & Juliet on the Titanic and people swoon, but put Romeo & Romeo in Wyoming and people think there's a political agenda at work. It's just a story, folks. And, in this particular case, it's an exceptional story.
This is a general gripe. It's not directed at you, Jeff. On the whole, I agree with you: movies and the movie-going experience just don't seem to be as good as they used to be.
Posted by: Dave Sim at February 5, 2006 10:28 AMI suggest you skip going to the movies. Instead, MAKE more movies like the Pizza movie from the post below. make sure the guy dressed as the#1 Buc's fan is in them, he's a riot.
btw, y'all made "ublix" sound like an R rated grocery store,LOL!
Dave, I had a gay friend tell me "Brokeback" wasn't even the best movie this year with a gay theme. The fact that the TV ads were trying to disguise what the actual story was by showing montages of one of the cowboys lounging in the arms of a woman, only pissed me off. In my feeble brain, that tells me this is more of a stunt than a film. Why do I want to be complicit in that? Either be true to what you or don't try at all. But don't try and act that this is some straight movie with some gay characters just so you can sandbag customers once their in the theater.
Posted by: Jeff at February 5, 2006 10:44 AMI am so lucky to be living in Portland, Oregon - we are such a movie town. You could see Walk the Line here! You could even see a movie for $3 and order a slice a pizza and a beer to go with. Next weekend our international film festival kicks in adding more choices to the mix.
Last night we paid $4 to see Capote at one of our indie theaters.
PS: Glad you and Salad Wife had some time alone.
Posted by: Lynne at February 5, 2006 02:12 PMBrokeback isn't supposed to be just a gay movie, it's a movie about two people making choices in their lives and how it affects others. Two people separated because of the world around them and their own fear, which doesn't outweigh the love they feel for one another. The only time you really feel it's a "gay movie" is the spit scene in the tent.
Posted by: Addison at February 5, 2006 04:42 PMhelp.
my e-mail keeps getting bumped for "questionable content".
all I'm saying is: brokeback is awesome. Walk the Line is awesome. Good, good stuff.
My original posting was much more high-faluting but the man don't seem to like what I'm saying.
sigh.
Posted by: DEEtroit at February 5, 2006 07:26 PMNope. Just my comments code barfing on itself again.
I don't have the time or inclination to screen comments. Heck, mine get bumped from time to time.
Posted by: Jeff at February 5, 2006 08:28 PM