SIDE SALAD - Everything crunchy is good.: SPRING TRAINING TOUR STOP NO. 7:<br>ATLANTA BRAVES

March 29, 2004

SPRING TRAINING TOUR STOP NO. 7:
ATLANTA BRAVES

When we last saw the Rev. Joe Kendall, Side Salad's official Spring Training correspondent, he was busy showing his father all of the top ballparks in the Tampa Bay area.

Last weekend, the Reverend, now free of his babe magnet of a dad, battled the stiff eastbound traffic on Interstate 4 to visit Disney's Wide World of Sports complex, location for Cracker Jack Stadium, spring home of the Atlanta Braves. That day's opponent: The New York Mets.

Rev. Joe reports that watching the Braves and Mets play in Disney is a surreal experience if you're used to watching spring ball in neat little ballyards in downtown settings. The Braves stadium looks like a building out of the Disney architectural digest: sterile and theme-park-like with an abundance of parking, so artificially clean that it left him hungry for the grit of baseball.

So speck-free was this ballyard that it could easily be converted into a movie set during offseason. Hmmm, "Angels In The Outfield 4: Revenge of the Reverend" perhaps?

When they say Wide World of Sports, they mean it. In the summer, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers train here. Underneath the stadium is a full workout facility and basketball gym. At the time the Reverend was visiting, there was an annual cheerleading competition. Disney's thought: The more the merrier.

Hey, look! A band in baseball uniforms, just like stadiums didn't have in the old days!

Joke No. 1: The guy on the left? Steve Sax.
(ba-DUMP-bump!)

Joke No. 2: It's not the size of your saxophone, guy on the right, it's how you use it.
(ba-DUMP-bump!)

I'll be here all week. Be sure to try the veal.

Disney does a great job making things festive with lots of flags and banners. These replaced the ones that were up in February that read, "MICHAEL EISNER SUCKS" and "IT'S A SMALL QUARTERLY DIVIDEND AFTER ALL."

It's true what they say: Disney parks are made for the family. The Bill Gates family, that is. I understand they just installed a plan so you can put a ballpark frank on layaway until next March.

The park refrains from ruining the ballpark experience with a lot of those annoying "DO NOT INTERFERE WITH PLAY ON THE FIELD" admonishments. Instead, they merely require fans to file slowly past this bronze statue immortalizing Steve "I'll Cost The Cubs The Chance At A World Series" Bartman.

It's clear this fan got the message.

It's nice to see Disney cater to the Internet pervs from Atlanta by booking this event simultaneously.

Okay, Rev. Joe. That's enough cheerleader shots for now.

Remember that restraining order, buddy.

Inside the park, there are beautiful sight lines. Including to the fake plywood pennants in left field. How do you know they're fake? There is no wind in Orlando 11 months out of the year to keep flags flapping. At least not until a hurricane blows through town.

Ah, yes. The time honored tradition of asking your favorite ballplayer for his autograph before the game. These boys have been stalking Cliff Floyd since he was an all-star Florida Marlin.

Doesn't Cliff look happy to have missed out on that World Series ring? Good thing he jumped to the Mets just in time to avoid all that fame and postseason bonus money.

Behold the object du jour: the berm. Every spring training and minor league stadium has one now. A reminder: berm is Alsace French for "the place the beer guy does not serve."

Okay, Rev. Joe. That's enough usher shots for now.

Remember that restraining order, buddy.