April 08, 2004


About 7 months ago, I tried to kill a little time by shopping in a rundown consignment mall. I, of course, brought my camera and found lots of horrific trinkets. The result was the first Crap Safari.

A couple days ago, I had time to kill at the mall. (It only happens twice a year. I swear.) What I found there boggled even me.


I'm not sure what's going on at the moment in popular culture, but it appears that the movie "Scarface" is popular again, for whatever reason.

And what better way to show your allegiance to bad acting, garbage movie direction and violence glorification? By purchasing a print from a movie still and framing it with a Cuban cigar.


Oh, and two bullets. How classy.


In 1981, the defensive front four of the New York Jets picked up the nickname of the "Sack Exchange." The players included Joe Klecko, Marty Lyons, Abdul Salaam and Mark "I Look Like A Bad Adult Films Star" Gastineau. They recorded 66 sacks and put the Jets back into the playoffs for the first time in 11 years.

That's right. Got them into the playoffs. They didn't win the Super Bowl. Or the AFC Championship. Just got to the playoffs.

What better way to honor that prestigious achievement than to hang this handsome framed lithograph on your wall. There is no clearer message to send to that girl you're wooing that you've yet to get over the 1980s.

And of course, if that's not enough of a statement, you can pick up this accompanying trinket to make the set complete.


I was dumbfounded when I came across this table full of specialty candles. The variety was awe inspiring.


If this tiger wasn't cheesy enough for you...


...you could always go with a sports theme.

I think Jon Gruden has one of these on his mantle at home. Right next to his Sports Illustrated shoe phone.

Price: $34.95


Ah, more "Scarface." I'm sensing a "Say hello to my little friend" theme.


I found this ashtray in one of those "Smoke N Stuff" stores. Kind of fitting that you'd dab out your cancer stick into one of these, isn't it?


If wolves had the ability to carve and mold and sculpt and chisel, I'd have to think this would be their Mount Rushmore.


I hear Spencer Gifts will soon offer a low-carb version.


If you haven't been inside a Spencer store since you had to replace your black light in 1981 because you broke it while trying to turn it into a bong, you might be surprised to learn that for all the wind-up hopping genitalia, the KISS drinking goblets and the remote control fart machines, there's a dark side to this establishment that caters to the newly emerging Goth kid who wants to dip his toe into the mascara pool, but isn't sure how deep to go.


What this thing is, I'll never know. Probably a creature of the netherworld of some sort. Made in Singapore.

Is it me, or does his face bear an uncanny resemblance to this guy?


This was a winning product on many levels for me. First, the name. Second, the selling pitch: "Real baby nipple!" Like that's a good thing.

And then for the parents, there's this notation on the package: "Made With Juice Concentrate/Fortified With Vitamin C/Real Fruit Bits."

"Mom, do I need to take my vitamin today?"

"No, Billy. You've had your Suck Up already."

Posted by Jeff at April 8, 2004 08:14 AM | TrackBack