June 16, 2006


Father's Day is approaching. Which means one thing: the Fourth of July fireworks tents are going up in parking lots of crappy strip malls all over the Bay area.

This excites me. Why? Because my New Year's fireworks were so unbelievably lame. I can feel redemption at hand.

So you can understand my glee when a Phantom Fireworks ad appeared on my desk at work the other day.

These people know me so well.


I am all about blowing up things within the confines of my driveway.

Maybe my co-worker Karla is right: perhaps I am a closeted redneck.

Pickup truck. Check.

NASCAR fan. Check.

Listen to country music. Check.

Gardening and cooking enthusiast?

Guess not. Better luck next time, Karla.

So what's for sale at Phantom this year?


Ah, the "Fear No Evil" package. For absolutely no charge at all, it comes with "Hear No Evil" tinnitus that lasts for about two weeks after you fire these bad boys off.

Love the Special Ops tactical assault image on the side.

The message here: These are the guys you'll see if you fire these at your neighbors.


Here's something you don't see every day: a beer themed explosive. I bet the folks at Miller and Miller Lite are enjoying having their fonts ripped off for the Brew-Ha-Ha nameplate on the side.

As for the soda, I think I'll pass. Unless it causes you to make your own fireworks, if you get my drift.


Who's this for? Mariah Carey?

This marks the first time I've seen "bling" printed on the side of one of these. Maybe next year we can look forward to a package of "Ridin' Dirty" mortar shells.


Um, guys? We already killed Zarqawi. You can put away your bunker busters now.


Nice. Just the explosive that the guy addicted to lame Cinemax skin-flicks needs. The green skin and red hair gives her a Captain-Kirk-horny-for-space-skank feel.

If you still don't get the message, read the caution tag on the side:


Yes, but only if you jump over it after you light it.

Still, it's a more subtle name than the one that was in the New Year's assortment I bought at Costco:


Talk about ridin' dirty.

Posted by Jeff at June 16, 2006 08:40 AM | TrackBack

Oh, be careful. For the love of Pete, don't blow off anything important.

Posted by: kate at June 16, 2006 07:13 PM
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