SIDE SALAD - Everything crunchy is good.

A SERIES OF OPEN LETTERS:
LAY OFF MY YAZ EDITION

Dear Bayer Shering Pharma,

I just saw your commercial for Yaz, the birth control pill you manufacture that claims to alleviate menstrual symptoms.

First, allow me to congratulate you. It's comforting for me to know that even after achieving 99.9 percent effectiveness on your primary mission, you're still working on the formula. We could use more of that kind of initiative and stick-to-it-iveness in this world.

Second, as I'm sure you're aware, you have appropriated the nickname of one of my boyhood baseball idols, Boston Red Sox outfielder Carl Yastrzemski.

Although I fully understand the need your pharmaceutical company satisfied in creating a catchy brand name - it's not like 3 mg drospirenone/20 mcg ethinyl estradiol exactly rolls off the tongue! - this letter shall serve as a cease and desist order on behalf of everyone of my age group who loved watching No. 8 play in left field in front of Fenway Park's Green Monster for 23 seasons. No one of Mr. Yastrzemski's athletic stature should be associated with the name of a birth control pill or the nagging symptoms generated by shedding of the uterine wall.

We have every confidence that you understand this dilemma.

While we're at it, and so as to avoid any future conflict, the following is a standing list of other baseball nicknames from my adolescence that you also should avoid in the future when naming other menstrual- and/or birth control-related remedies:

Hammerin' Hank

Sparky

Pudge

Campy

Rollie

Fergie

Ozzie

Goose

Catfish

Say Hey

Knucksie

Pops

Boog

The Big Red Machine

The list of approved names and/or euphemisms is as follows:

Mr. October

Very Truly Yours,

Jeff

PREVIOUS OPEN LETTERS:

Karma Is A Bitch Edition

Paging Mr. Freud Edition

Imitation Is Not Flattery Edition

I Ate A Baby Edition

Andy Samberg Edition

Personal Technology Edition

Crazy Nordic Singers Edition

An Inconvenient Poop Edition