SIDE SALAD - Everything crunchy is good.

NOTE TO SELF: NO NEED TO DVR THIS SHOW

Lithia. What a shock.

::::chewing my invisible gum::::

The producers at "Cops" must be pea-green with envy that "MBRW" scouted this location first.

Five bucks says they walk their dog with a motorcycle through the neighborhood every night at 11 p.m.

IF I WERE DOM DELUISE, I'D TAKE MY VITAMINS THIS WEEK

IS IT FRENCH OR IS IT PALESTINIAN? PERHAPS FRALESTINIAN.

What's next? Rachael Che?

Jeez. Sometimes a scarf is just a scarf.

GATHER YE MULTIHYPHENATES WHILE YE MAY

Dust Awkward professional descriptions in the winnnnnnd...

All we are is dust awkward professional descriptions in the winnnnnnnd.

TEN, HUT.

It's that time of year again, and that year again. Many of the military families in our neighborhood are packing up and getting ready to move to their next assignments.

That means our good friends Autumn, Patrick and their sons P.J., Nick and Charlie are only a few weeks away from moving north.

Which means that yesterday called for a neighborhood send-off.

We did the shrimp boil...

We did the Giant Vat O'Corn...

Patrick once suggested that we assemble all of the Salad Bowl lawn inflatables, so we decided to give him a 10-inflatable salute this morning before he flew out.

The salute included:

* The musical snow family
* The giant snowglobe
* Two Thanksgiving turkeys
* A margarita glass with salted rim
* A glowing Halloween skull
* A giant Halloween inflatable gateway
* A Buccaneers player in a three-point stance
* A happy birthday cake
* An Easter bunny

It had the desired effect.

Here's to a safe move and a happy new home for our dear friends.

REGRET, IN EIGHT PHOTOS

YES, BUT IT'S ORGANIC

"Do you promise to not buy something if I show it to you?" Salad Wife said to me as we were shopping.

Every corner in Costco presents the opportunity for new consumer treasure. This was one of those opportunities.

"I can't make that kind of promise."

"Promise me."

"I know where you're standing," I told her. "It has to be in that location. I'm going to find it with or without your assistance."

I walked over to one of the see-thru cooler doors where she was standing.

"Oh, this," I said. "Saw it last week."

She looked dismayed. The look on her face registered bemusement, regret, dismay and the potential for exhaustion of insurance deductable after a batter-inducing arterial stent.

"Have you had it yet?" she asked me.

"No, and I want a thousand extra credit points for showing restraint for once in my life."

GET A ROOM

Sometimes when two food items love each other, they decide to make a weiner.

My friend Patrick's response: "Mustard has really nice legs."

OH, MY BELOVED OSSO BUCCO, HOW DO I LOVE THEE? LET ME COUNT THE GREASY LITTLE WAYS.

If you have to get paid to do something for a living, I'd have to say that earning remuneration for eating two plates of delicious braised veal shank as a crowd of onlookers watches you down each forkful and slurp up the delicate marrow has to be one of the most satisfying and completely narcissistic moments one can achieve.

For more photos of a cooking throwdown I judged last night in Tampa between a fire house cook and a professional chef, click here.

BILL WITHERS BAR CHART

And she's always "gone too long."

For more, go here.

I POOPED A HAMMER. I POOPED A CORNISH GAME HEN.

Ow.

I'LL TAKE 'CREAM-COLORED SUITS I COULD NEVER CARRY OFF WITHOUT RESEMBLING THE STAY PUFT MARSHMALLOW MAN' FOR $200, ALEX.

I'LL TAKE 'RECURRING VISUAL THEMES FOR $100, ALEX.

MOMMY SAID I JUST MAKE BOOM IN MY PANTS

I'm so giddy, I can't help but write some Ray-ku.

Rays are in first place.
The Yankees are in last place.
Suck on it, New York.

Our coach: Cool glasses.
Your coach: Bitter, clean shaven.
I'll take Joe Maddon.

Extra-innings win
Caused mascot Raymond to faint.
I know the feeling.

Matsui crushed us.
The rest of team, not so much.
Thanks a lot, A-Rod.

Hey, New York Yankees.
You might want to consider
getting some pitching.

Hank Steinbrenner is
mimicking daddy's anger.
Find the Lipitor!

We left our jock straps
Down in last place. Could you please
mail them to us? Thanks.

Is that what I think?
That spot next to the bullpen...
Submissive piddle.

PREVIOUS TAMPA BAY DEVIL RAYS POSTS:

Mascot camel toe.

A case of the vapors.

Let's play base-brawl.

'Can't wait for the nude scene.'

The Devil and Alyssa Milano.

Uh, Hoy.

Who's the boss?

Losing their diablo.

Barry Bonds and the Tampa Bay Giants.

'Terrible' Ty Wigginton, arrrrrrrrrrgh!

One of these things doesn't belong.

Meet the Rays 'brero.

Some would say that this hand is half empty.

See Joe cook. Cook, Joe, Cook.

A cup of Joe.

Table for two.

Buh-bye, Mr. Pinella.

BITCH TOOK MY FISH

I never hesitate to put a fool on his back.

COLOR ME AROUSED. AND CONFUSED.

IF YOU CAN'T LICK 'EM...

Cross-posted at Salad Spinner.

SEASONS CHANGE

A couple weeks ago, I got an e-mail from a friend at work.

Hi there-

A friend of mine has 2 very good seats to the Bon Jovi with Daughtry show at the forum Sunday night, $140 each.

Very thoughtful. But I'm not really the Bon Jovi type. Especially, not to the tune of $140. The closest I got to being a fan was faking interest in "Livin' on a Prayer" at a club one time so I could get a girl to like me. It didn't work. My dignity never recovered.

One of my favorite lines ever, in fact, is a Bon Jovi-related joke by Denis Leary:

We live in a country, where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest, Yoko Ono was standing right next to him and not one f##king bullet! Explain that to me! Explain that to me, God! Explain it to me, God! Now we've got 25 more years of 'I-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi'. Yeah, I'm real f##king happy now, God. I'm wearing a huge happy hat.

I mean, how is it that Stevie Ray Vaughan is dead ... and we can't get Jon Bon Jovi into a helicopter? Come on, folks. 'Get on that helicopter John. Shut the f##k up and get on that helicopter! There's a hair dresser in there.'"

So, to recap: Jeff, Jovi, not a big fan. I wasn't about to buy concert tickets so Jon and Richie could buy more hair product.

Then I noticed the group my friend included me with on the e-mail. They're not exactly what I would call the most cutting-edge cluster on the planet. Nice people, sure, but several seem the type who are looking forward to getting the AARP magazine in the mail when they turn 50.

I shared this tidbit with Rommie:

I don't know whether to be honored that she thought of me, or insulted that I am in this group of people for this type of music.

His reply:

Easy mistake to make with your Jersey accent and all.

Dude, you just got lumped in with some of the biggest squares in the company.

So, it was a little disconcerting when I got this e-mail today:

Expose'. On CBS. DVR.

Quite the combination.

Clearly, God is sending me a message. It's no burning bush or stone tablet, but there is a message: You are old. You had no musical taste for the better part of a decade. There is no appropriate pennance. This is your punishment.

In case you were wondering:

About Exposé: Exposé, the Arista Records freestyle pop-dance trio, ruled the '80s and '90s and was the Destiny's Child of the time. They generated highly combustible dance grooves and gut-wrenching ballads with vocal powerhouses Jeanette Jurado, Ann Curless and Gioia Bruno. Exposé, formed by record producer and songwriter Lewis A. Martineé, caught fire with their first album, released in 1986, titled Exposure. The album reeled off a string of major hits, including Billboard Top-Ten's 'Come Go With Me,' 'Point of No Return,' and 'Let Me Be the One' as well as the number one mega-hit ballad 'Seasons Change.' The album itself achieved multi-platinum status.

Okay, I don't remember anything past this point. I'm sure they had a lovely career, but the combination of White Russians and McDLT's that choked my body during the 1980s conspire to fog my brain.

I have no great love for the '80s. It can all go pretty much straight to hell as far as I'm concerned. The fact that that the decade is romanticized astounds me.

Is there anyone I'd pay to see from that era? Sure, but they'd have to be true iconoclasts, artists who truly left their mark.

Like these guys:

AND NOW FOR TODAY'S MOMENT IN SURREALITY

I am now a widget.

For the record, I hate that term. Sounds like a mixture of a wigger and a midget.

I WANT TO FATHER ZACH GALIFIANAKIS' CHILD STEP-CHILD

Perhaps Messr. Galifianakis knows Capt. Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters?

I WANT TO FATHER ZACH GALIFIANAKIS' CHILD

MAKES ME WANT TO HOLA AND THROW UP BOTH MY HANDS

It's Cinco de Mayo. When you own a blog on which much has been made about the wearing of oversized Mexican headgear, that day means more than, say, Tres de Mayo or even Ocho de Mayo.

This blog has been in the forefront of celebrating that beautiful piece of cabesa engineering, be it in the desert sands of Iraq or the halls of public influence.

So, on behalf of Side Salad's staff, allow me to wish you a very heartfelt and sincere Happy Made-Up Mexican Holiday So That Anglos Can Have An Excuse To Drink Day.

This is Vidisha. She likes to climb trees.