SIDE SALAD - Everything crunchy is good.

SEPARATED AT BIRTH:
ACADEMY AWARDS EDITION, PART II

"Today" show host Katie Couric A Florida Rockfish

PREVIOUS SEPARATED AT BIRTH:
Adam Duritz and Sideshow Bob
Bill Murray and The Gopher

LIKE SAM THE BUTCHER
BRINGIN' ALICE THE MEAT

This is ridiculously inane. Endlessly entertaining and amusing, but inane nonetheless.
Boy's got some mad skills.

EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE HACK

One problem with making a digital motion picture: it makes it easy for images from your secretive movie to be distributed on the Web before you really want them to be.
For the three or four of you out there who still give a flip about the final "Star Wars" flick, this link will take you to a page of spoiler pics.

T.P.S. = THIS PLACE SUCKS

What happens when "Office Space" meets "Superfriends"?
Hilarity ensues, of course.

DO-DO-DO-DO-DO
INSPECTOR GADGET

Cupie turned me on to the link to Mobile PC magazine's list of the the top 100 Gadgets of All Time.

And since anything worth linking to is worth stealing, here's a list of what I've either owned or used the from that list:

99. SWINGLINE 747 STAPLER, 2002
Stapling technology dates back to the 1700s, when an unknown inventor created a stapler for King Louis XV of France, but staplers came to the everyman with the Swingline magazine stapler, invented in 1938. Of these, the most iconic is Milton's fire-engine red Swingline from the movie Office Space, first manufactured in 2002 due to demand from the film.

98. PEZ DISPENSER, 1927
Pez isn't the mystery ingredient that makes this candy so tasty; it's an abbreviation for the German for Pfeffermintz (peppermint). Today, Pez comes in lots more flavors, but who cares? We just like the little poppin' head dispensers.

89. RUBIK'S CUBE, 1974
Invented in 1974 by Hungarian Erno Rubik, the Rubik's Cube hit America in 1980 like the avian flu, infecting millions and temporarily treating most ADHD symptoms before petering out in 1983.

87. RADIO SHACK TRS-80 MODEL 100, 1983
Not the first portable computer, nor the most advanced, the Model 100 distinguished itself through simplicity, ruggedness, and portability. For $800 you could outfit yourself with this 6-pound mobile typing machine (a real featherweight compared with the 20-pound Osborne and Kaypro portables). The specs weren't impressive: 8KB of RAM, an eight-line-by-40-character display, no hard drive, a 300-baud modem, and a 2.4MHz Intel CPU. But two AA batteries gave it enough juice to run for 16 hours, and it was tough enough to ward off falls, bumps, spills, and filthy language, making it a perfect choice for newspaper reporters and cops. Radio Shack sold 6 million between 1983 and 1991.

77. HASBRO LITE-BRITE, 1967
Who knew that all those happy hours spent punching multicolored pins into black paper were actually preparing us for a rewarding career designing web page bullets and desktop icons?

75. LASER POINTER, 1980s
By 1998, laser pointers were so popular that they were not only banned in schools, but laws were passed in many states to levy a $1,000 fine on anyone who pointed the red dot into someone's eye. Although professionals and teachers had used laser pointers for years, it wasn't until they dropped from $100 to less than $30 in the late '90s that kids were able to grab them and terrorize cats and moviegoers alike.

65. MATTEL FOOTBALL II, 1978
Mattel's first handheld football game was good; this sequel was a classic. Finally, you could throw passes to your little LED teammates, while enjoying the shrill electronic cry of "Charge!"

64. U.S. ARMY P-38 CAN OPENER, 1942
Who says the government can't make good products? This opener let millions of GIs crack their C rations, not to mention the dozens of other uses they found for it in the field, from cleaning their rifles to gutting fish.

63. MAGLITE FLASHLIGHT, 1979
It was originally marketed just to police officers and firefighters, but soon everyone had one of these nearly indestructible, adjustable-beam flashlights.

57. MATTEL MAGIC 8-BALL, 1946
Is this really one of the most important gadgets ever? Signs point to yes.

50. ETCH-A-SKETCH, 1960
Though devoid of circuitry, we think it's safe to say that this was the world's first handheld with a fully graphical user interface.

20. SWISS ARMY KNIFE, 1891
Karl Elsener's first knife, which was distributed to Swiss enlisted men, featured a blade, a screwdriver, a can opener, and a punch. Today, the company Elsener founded, Victorinox, and its competitor, Wenger, offer dozens of knives featuring up to 33 different tools. Meanwhile, the name has passed into cliche as an apt description of the knife's versatility.

3. SONY WALKMAN, 1979
We're not saying the iPod isn't one of the coolest devices ever made, but Apple's little music monster would never have been possible without Sony's groundbreaking Walkman. The brainchild of Sony cofounders Masaru Ibuka, Akio Morita, and Norio Ohga, this portable cassette tape player made the dream of a mobile music collection a generation-changing reality and put Sony in the technological catbird seat.

1. APPLE POWERBOOK 100, 1991
Never mind the Apple versus PC debate: Until Apple unveiled this 5.1-pound machine, most "portable" computers were curiosities for technophiles with superior upper-body strength. But the PowerBook 100's greatest and most lasting innovation was to move the keyboard toward the screen, leaving natural wrist rests up front, as well as providing an obvious place for a trackball. It seems like the natural layout now, but that's because the entire industry aped Apple within months. The first PowerBooks captured an astounding 40 percent of the market, but more important, they turned notebook computers into mainstream products and ushered in the era of mobile computing that we're still living in today.

STALKING THE ELUSIVE WINDSHIELD

There's a new addition to The Windshield Project.
What's it say? Click here. (I bet his insurance company gets a hearty guffaw outta that one.)
It's not a huge collection - nothing on the order of The Sombrero Project or even The King Project - but then I've always believed in quantity over quality.

SEPARATED AT BIRTH:
ACADEMY AWARDS EDITION

Counting Crows singer Adam Duritz Sideshow Bob from "The Simpsons"

PREVIOUS SEPARATED AT BIRTH
Bill Murray and The Gopher

MA-IA-HII,
MA-IA-HUU,
MA-IA-HOO,
MA-IA-HAHA

You might remember the posting here of a video clip of a guy lip-syncing on his Web cam to "Dragostea Din Tei."
Well, the New York Times takes a look at the phenomenon his video caused.
What phenomenon? Well, the video was shown on "Good Morning America," for one. Then The Today show got into the act, getting the group that sang the song, Ozone, to perform it live. (They sucked severely.) And as a sign you're message has saturated the net, someone did a Lego version of the tune.
Oversaturation hasn't stopped entire classrooms from dancing along and singing with the clip while sitting in their computer lab desks. It's almost too creepy and cultlike for words.
The best part of the Times story examines the price of Internet fame.
Turns out the singer/dancer in question is just a 19-year-old A/V geek from New Jersey named Gary Brolsma. And he'd really prefer that everyone leave him alone:

He has now sought refuge from his fame in his family's small house on a gritty street in Saddle Brook. He has stopped taking phone calls from the news media, including The New York Times. He canceled an appearance on NBC's "Today." According to his relatives, he mopes around the house.

What's worse is that no one seems to understand.

"I said, 'Gary this is your one chance to be famous - embrace it,' " said Corey Dzielinski, who has known Mr. Brolsma since the fifth grade. Gary Brolsma is not the first guy to rocket out of anonymity on a starship of embarrassment. There was William Hung, the Hong Kong-born "American Idol" reject, who sang and danced so poorly he became a household name. There was Ghyslain Raza, the teenage Québécois, who taped himself in a mock light-saber duel and is now known as the Star Wars Kid.

In July 2003, Mr. Raza's parents went so far as to sue four of his classmates, claiming they had placed the clip of him online without permission. "Ghyslain had to endure and still endures today, harassment and derision," according to the lawsuit, first reported in The Globe and Mail of Toronto.

Mr. Brolsma has no plans to sue, his family said - mainly because he would have to sue himself. In fact, they wish he would bask a little in his celebrity.

"I don't know what's wrong with him," his grandfather, Kalman Telkes, a Hungarian immigrant, said the other day while taking out the trash.

DEVIL RAYS FANFEST:
MORE FAN THAN FEST

And so it came to pass that on the same day we visited Legends Field and observed multimillionaires chasing and throwing little white baseballs, we also drove over to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays Fanfest to see hundredthousandaires chasing and throwing... uh, nothing. Hardly any of them were there.
As much as I hate to say it, because it comes down to dollar envy, going to the Tropicana Dome from Legends Field is like downshifting to a corn dog from prime rib. It still fills you up, but you're filled with self-loathing and regret. And it leaves you a little bit gassy.
It's not that the Trop is a bad place to see a game. It's just that it's a little... sterile. The psych ward in "Cuckoo's Nest" had more warmth and charm than this place does. They've dressed up this Jell-o mold as much as they can (hence the atrium adornment above), but after you smear off the lipstick, you still have the pig.
It was alltogether appropriate for Kane's to set up a bed by the dugout for the second year in a row.
Those colored papers on the seats in the back there represent everyone who fell asleep during all 81 home games last year.
Fans were plentiful on this day. Some 15,000, I read, walked the field, ran the bases, shagged Wiffle cans of corn and generally had a good time. But the autograph lines were spectacularly long. And that made for some cranky patrons.
Although the guy above with the bat had enough fortitude for all of us.
Question: What kind of grown man carries this Bam-Bam blunt trauma instrument around? And why would he wait in a two-hour line for a Devil Rays autograph?
For the record, I'm avoiding any Freudian interpretations of this guy. Not gonna do it.
I encouraged my son to run over and get owner Vince Naimoli's autograph on his baseball.
Brian was lukewarm to the idea, but as I told him later, "In 20 years, you can show it to your kids and say, 'This was signed by the man who almost killed baseball in St. Petersburg.'"
The real star of the day's autograph schedule was bench coach Don "I'm Too Damn Old To Do Road Games" Zimmer. He's shown here with Aubrey Huff, who was just finishing his hour of signing when Zim arrived.
What's Huff saying?
"Dude, get a look at the Freudian bat guy."
Although it helps us almost nil on the field, Zim's at least a good draw for fans who remember him from his Red Sox and Cubs coaching days and also from the time he tried to throttle Pedro Martinez in the narts.
You know what they say about people looking like their dogs after a while? This photo shows that fans sometimes start to resemble their favorite bench coaches.
Raymond may be the official mascot for the team, but Zimmer could qualify as well. He's the Devil Rays' equivalent of Uga, the University of Georgia mascot. Only Zim slobbers in greater quantities and licks himself more often at inappropriate times during the game.
Internal diaglogue: Is there such a thing as an appropriate time to lick yourself during a game?
Nevermind. I digress.
Not that mascots were in short supply that day. This one, Timmy the Termite, represented a pest control company.
As any avid Salad Bowl reader (that's you, mom) knows, I have a bit of a mascot fetish. I can say as somewhat of an expert that although it's moderately cool to have a termite mascot, it's eminently uncool to use a costume that you put together from a kit at Joanne's Fabrics.
Why?
Well, for one thing...
...you end up with feeler control issues.
Which fits, now that I think about it, since former Rays player Wade Boggs had issues with controlling his feeler at one point in his career.

GORILLA MY DREAMS

Why does the Internet exist?

So someone can compile a gallery of comic book covers featuring gorillas and apes.

A few faves:

Q: WHEN IS THE WORST THE BEST?

A: When some well-meaning gaggle of finger-waggers gives everyone a shortcut to finding the nastiest and most gratuitous stuff on TV.
Not that I'm into it, mind you. I just think it's funny when a watchdog like the Parents Television Council purports to hating overamorous gum commercials and takes offense to a necrophilia scene on a show about psychic mediums and then supplies clips for all to see online.
You can't make this kind of stuff up, folks.

SCATTERED PICTURES OF THE
SMILES WE LEFT BEHIND

If (when?) the New York Yankees lose to the Red Sox this year because of an inattention to pitching, you can blame Marvin "The Way We Were" Hamlisch.

Why?

Well, the bloated, pasty, irrelevant composer and Pittsburgh Pops conductor dropped by Sunday to the Yankees’ spring training home in Tampa, Legends Field, to distract manager Joe Torre from trying to capitalize on a gut-wrenching 2004 campaign.

Here’s how bad the Yankees have it: The Yankees picked up Randy Johnson in the off-season – one of the best acquisitions ever – and Torre and pitching coach Mel Stottlemyre were observing pitchers on a side field a good 200 yards from where Johnson was practicing his pitching.


Or at least the Big Unit's coverage of first base on a ground ball.


"He looks like a giraffe running around out there,'' my friend Alan said.

Ahem.

Anyway, Hamlisch shows up midway through the workout...


...which drew Torre away from the mound, where he began walking toward the third-base side of the practice field.


They chatted for a bit.


Then they chatted a little longer.


Then Hamlisch follows him to a bullpen observation platform.


Then he weasels his way between Torre and Don Mattingly.

And. He. Just. Wouldn't. Leave.

He loitered at least an hour. You could tell by the uncomfortable body language Torre & Co. were giving off that Hamlisch was like a pervy uncle who lingered too long around his neice's bedtime.

Eh. Look at it this way:


When the Yankees fail to win the pennant because of Hamlisch's interference, Steinbrenner can save a little money by not having to update this banner.

For the second year in a row.

I JUST HAVE TO STEAL THIS IDEA

Think of it as schlubs in an elevator.

GOING... GOING... GONZO.

This is proving to be an interesting year for Reaper's Delight - the celebrity dead pool I'm in - what with so many people landing huge point totals in gulps and avalanches. Participant Pat "Splat" Kane-Prescott picks up 33 with her selection of Hunter S. Thompson now that he's chosen to assume room temperature.
She does so without stooping so low as to pick a John Raitt or a Sandra Dee, both of whom bought the farm over the weekend.
Guess we all should have known what Pat obviously saw: that a guy with a propensity for alcohol, psychotropic drugs, irrational behavior and gunplay - which mixed like a cocktail in his system in various degrees at the same time - would choose a rather logical way to exit the planet. One could even go so far as to say the writing was on the wall.
Can't wait to see the autopsy report on The Smoking Gun on this one.
That was a pun even Hunter would have loved.
In somewhat of a macabre, prescient omen (Redundant repetition? But of course!), one of the last things Thompson wrote about for ESPN.com's Page 2 section was a new sport he had invented. One with a shotgun, of course.
He describes it in an insane, middle-of-the-night phone dialogue with Bill Murray, who played him in the movie "Where The Buffalo Roam") he transcribed:

HST: "I'm working on a profoundly goofy story here. It's wonderful. I've invented a new sport. It's called Shotgun Golf. We will rule the world with this thing."

BILL: "Mmhmm."

HST: "I've called you for some consulting advice on how to launch it. We've actually already launched it. Last spring, the Sheriff and I played a game outside in the yard here. He had my Ping Beryllium 9-iron, and I had his shotgun, and about 100 yards away, we had a linoleum green and a flag set up. He was pitching toward the green. And I was standing about 10 feet away from him, with the alley-sweeper. And my objective was to blow his ball off course, like a clay pigeon."

BILL: (Laughs.)

HST: "It didn't work at first. The birdshot I was using was too small. But double-aught buck finally worked for sure. And it was fun."

BILL: (Chuckles.)

HST: "OK, I didn't want to wake you up, but I knew you'd want to be in on the ground floor of this thing."

BILL: (Silence.)

HST: "Do you want to discuss this tomorrow?"

BILL: "Sure."

HST: "Excellent."

BILL: "I think I might have a queer dream about it now, but ..." (Laughs.)

HST: "This sport has a HUGE future. Golf in America will soon come to this."

BILL: "It will bring a whole new meaning to the words 'Driving Range'."

HST: "Especially when you stack them on top of each other. I've seen it in Japan."

BILL: "They definitely have multi-level driving ranges. Yes."

HST: (Laughs.) "How does that work? Do they have extremely high ceilings?"

BILL: "No. The roof above your tee only projects out about 10 feet, and they have another range right above you. It's like they took the façade off a building. People would be hanging out of their offices."

(Jumping ahead in the story...)

HST: "Well, I'm writing a column for ESPN.com and I want to know if you like my new golf idea. A two-man team."

BILL: "Well, with all safety in mind, yes. Two-man team? Yeah! That sounds great. I think it would create a whole new look. It would create a whole new clothing line."

HST: "Absolutely. You'll need a whole new wardrobe for this game."

BILL: "Shooting glasses and everything."

HST: "We'll obviously have to make a movie. This will mushroom or mutate -- either way -- into a real craze. And given the mood of this country, being that a lot of people in the mood to play golf are also in the mood to shoot something, I think it would take off like a gigantic fad."

BILL: "I think the two-man team idea would be wonderful competition and is something the Ryder Cup would pick up on."

HST: "I was talking with the Sheriff about it earlier. But in one-man competition, I'd have to compete against you, say, in both of the arts -- the shooting AND the golfing. But if you do the Ryder Cup, you'd have to have the clothing line first. I'm going to write about this for ESPN tonight. I'm naming you and the Sheriff as the founding consultants."

BILL: "Sounds good."

HST: "OK, I'll call you tomorrow. And by the way, I'll see if I can twist some arms and get you an Oscar. But I want a Nobel Prize in return."

BILL: "Well, we can work together on this. This is definitely a team challenge." (Laughing.)

HST: "OK. We'll talk tomorrow."

BILL: "Good night."

So there it is. Shotgun Golf will soon take America by storm. I see it as the first truly violent leisure sport. Millions will crave it.

Millions? Now there'll only be 999,999.

ADVENTURES IN TRAFFIC

It's not enough to cheat death by riding without a helmet on the back of a motorcycle that you do not control.
She just had to smoke an unfiltered Lucky Strike while doing so.

PREVIOUS ADVENTURES IN TRAFFIC
Jazz hands moms.

Ugly lug nuts.

Pretty ballsy.

My honor student can kick your ass.

Garfield mudflaps.

Horse and buddy.

CALL ME NOSTRILDAMUS

Okay, so I was right about who was going to win the Daytona 500. For 107 laps. And I was right up until the last six laps.
Then I wasn't.
Better luck next week, Tony.

LEADER OF THE PACK

My pick to win the Daytona 500?
It's my pick every year, of course: Tony Stewart.
This guy can drive the wheels off anything he touches. And he's already won a Winston Cup championship.
I'm not exactly an impartial fan. I've interviewed Stewart before, and I've read his book. But I like him because he's got a temper and a loose lip. He's a real throwback to the golden days of NASCAR.
I will confess: I have a Tony Stewart Christmas tree ornament. And it hangs right next to the Dale Earnhardt Christmas tree ornamnt.
I know. It's a sickness.

RUBBIN' IS RACIN'

Today's the biggest NASCAR race of the year, the Daytona 500. It's the culmination of Speedweeks and the combination of Opening Day and the Super Bowl for the racing circuit.
Anyway. I know most Salad Bowl reader(s) probably aren't that familiar with the ins and outs of racing, so here's a little glossary for the uninitiated. Feel free to bone up before you spend 4 hours watching the race:

Apron. In racing, an apron is the paved area directly below the racing surface that separates the track from the infield.

Banking. The slope of a track from the wall to the apron, generally measured in the corners.

Bite. Bite is a car's ability to "stick," or adhere, to the track.

Caution. A period in racing in which track conditions are too hazardous for racing due to an accident or debris on the racing surface.

Dialed in. When a car's performing at its maximum. Also called "hooked up."

Drafting. The practice of following immediately behind another car to take advantage of the lead car's "punching a hole" in the wind.

Handling. A reference to a race car's performance with relation to the driver's ability to control it. Suspension, tires and air flow all contribute.

Loose. A handling condition in which the car's rear end wants to go straight or right (up the banking) when the car is turned to the left. Also called oversteer.

Marbles. Believe it or not, marbles in racing are loose debris, such as rubber and asphalt, that collect on the track and cause a car to lose traction. Where do they get this stuff, anyway?

Pace car. The official car that leads competitors at a safe speed during caution periods and restarts.

Pit road. The paved roadway that leads into the pit area.

Pit stop. It's when drivers maneuver their race cars into the pit area for fuel, tires and mechanical adjustments.

Restrictor plate. A plate attached to the carburetor that limits the amount of airflow entering the combustion chamber.

Road course. A closed course with turns to both the right and the left.

Running on rails. Used to describe a car that is handling perfectly, as if it was literally attached to a rail.

Short track. Any oval- or circle-shaped course less than one mile long.

Slingshot. A slingshot is a maneuver in which the driver of the trailing vehicle in a draft line breaks the draft by turning (usually to the left if on an oval track), propelling the car around the leader.

Stagger. The difference in the circumference of the tires on the right and left sides of the car. Since oval track racing is always done turning left, teams put larger tires on the right to help the car naturally turn left.

Superspeedway. Any oval or circle-shaped track more than one mile long.

Tight. On the track it's a handling condition in which the car's front end wants to go straight when the wheel is turned left. Also called understeer or push.

HO-KAY

When the world ends, I hope it's at least this funny.

STICK IT

Had a little fun with the generator at MakeStickers.com:

LET'S JUST OPT FOR "OR NOT'

Stumbled across a horrific site, Is Your Senator Hot Or Not?
I gave everyone a 1 rating on a scale of 10. I like to think I have no interest in a Daniel Akaka or an Orrin Hatch.
That's not to say some aren't attractive to someone in the universe... Just not me.
Newly elected Florida Sen. Mel Martinez scored poorly.
...as did 153-year-old Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens.
Ted's colleague Lisa Murkowski did relatively well.
Florida Sen. Bill Nelson did so-so, but that may be because a photo of Buddy MacKay was used by accident. And Buddy was no looker. As far as hotness goes, Buddy registers just above the element boron.
Hillary got a better score. In relation to Barbara Mikulski, probably.
John Kerry was the David Cassidy-on-the-cover-of-Tiger-Beat stud of the group, comparitively. Even Barak Obama only got a 7.
Must be the guitar. Chicks dig musicians.
Ted Kennedy also did relatively well, although someone confused him with Mayor McCheese.

PUTTING THE "NO" IN QUIZNO

As an aficionado of both mascots and oversized, inflatable lawn ornaments, I have to plead, let this madness end!

"FINE, JON, THREE YEARS AGO,
I KILLED A PANDA"

Quote and hilarious Daily Show clip of the week:

"It was Ling Ling, or the other one, I can't tell them apart. In my own defense, it was dark, I was drunk, and it was delicious."
- Ted Hitler

AND NOW, HERE'S SOMETHING
COMPLETELY INEXPLICABLE

A puppet clown quartet.
Somebody's gotta lay off the mescaline.

TASTE THE GOODNESS

McSweeney's is now offering reviews of new food:

Here's one of my favorites, written by Dong Resin:

Goya Jamaican Style Ginger Beer Submitted by Dong

Remember when you were 5 and Bambi's mother gets shot offscreen? Right, well, for reasons best known only to themselves, Jamaicans have made a soda out of that, and Mexicans have taken it upon themselves to bottle it. The dominant ingredient in Goya's whimsically named "Jamaican Ginger Beer" is neither ginger nor beer—it's capsicum. Sound familiar? It does if you read the bit between "keep away from children" and "keep away from face" on the side of a canister of pepper spray. No kidding, go check it out if you need to. How it can be legally called "ginger beer" rather than "keep-away-from-face beer" in a country that won't let toys shoot soft plastic missiles is beyond me, but you won't drink this stuff twice unless the agent interrogating you doesn't like your first answer.

For more reviews, click here.

HERE'S A LIST TO BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY

Courtesy of Vitamin Q:

40 musicians who died before 40:

(p = probable)

1 Gram Parsons – country singer/songwriter (26 – p drug-related heat failure)
2 Sandy Denny – folk singer (31 – fell down stairs)
3 Jimi Hendrix – guitarist (27 – p overdose)
4 Tammi Terrell – soul singer (23 – brain tumour)
5 Tupac Shakur - soul / rap singer (25 – p murder)
6 John Bonham – Led Zeppelin drummer (32 – p alcohol poisoning)
7 Patsy Cline – country singer (30 – plane crash)
8 Duane Allman – guitarist (24 - road accident)
9 Karen Carpenter – singer (32 – eating disorder)
10 Kurt Cobain – Nirvana singer/songwriter (27 – p suicide)
11 Jim Reeves – country singer (39 – plane crash)
12 Bob Marley – singer/songwriter (36 - cancer)
13 Buddy Holly – songwriter (22 – plane crash)
14 Minnie Riperton – soul singer (31 - cancer)
15 Brian Jones – Rolling Stones founder (27 - drowned, p murder)
16 Sam Cooke – soul singer (29 – shot dead)
17 Blind Lemon Jefferson – blues guitarist (33 - heart attack)
18 Ian Curtis – Joy Division singer/songwriter (23 - suicide)
19 Gene Vincent – rock singer/guitarist (36 - haemhorrage)
20 Nick Drake - singer/songwriter (26 - overdose)
21 Clyde McPhatter - Drifters singer (38 – heart problems)
22 Phil Lynott – Thin Lizzy singer (34 – heart problems)
23 Dennis Wilson – Beach Boys member (39 - drowning)
24 Hank Williams – country singer (29 – heart attack)
25 Elliott Smith – singer/songwriter (34 - p suicide)
26 Keith Moon – The Who drummer (32 - overdose)
27 Eddie Cochran – rock singer (21 – road accident)
28 Lowell George – Little Feat guitarist (34 – heart attack)
29 Tim Buckley – singer/songwriter (28 - overdose)
30 Janis Joplin - singer (27 – heroin overdose)
31 Billy Mackenzie – The Associates singer/songwriter (39 - suicide)
32 Bobby Fuller – rock singer/guitarist (22 – p. murder)
33 Bobby Darin - pop singer - (37 – heart disease)
34 Chris Bell – Big Star guitarist/songwriter (27 - road accident)
35 Mama Cass - singer (32 – heart attack)
36 Bon Scott – AC/DC rock singer (33 - intoxication)
37 Tim Hardin – singer/songwriter (39 – heroin overdose)
38 Otis Redding – soul singer (26 - plane crash)
39 Mary Hansen – Stereolab singer/guitarist (36 – road accident)
40 Jim Morrison – Doors singer (27 – p overdose)

ABSORBANT AND YELLOW
AND FABULOUS IS HE

Um, folks....

IT'S A FREAKING CARTOON SPONGE, OKAY?

AND NOW, YOUR MOMENT OF BRITNEY

Maybe it's just me, but I think marriage has really done wonders for Britney.

PREVIOUS INSTALLMENTS OF
YOUR MOMENT OF BRITNEY
Britney takes a palimony suit.

Something old, something new.

Britney takes a groom. Again.

Britney defends her latest love.

Britney marries a childhood friend. For 50 hours.

Britney swaps spit with the Rosetta Stone of Skank.

Britney poses for photos that make her look even more plastic and lifeless than she already is.

Britney, as she would look if she hit the all-you-can-eat Seafood Lovers Special at Red Lobster every night for six months.

Britney runs a restaurant into the ground.

Britney has an evil twin available for parties.

Britney and George cut a rug.

Britney proves the axiom: Beer affects the way males respond to females.

BLINK

Looks like the NHL Players Association finally gets the message. Only a salary cap will save their sport.

Too bad Gary Bettman is going to cancel the season anyway.

Nice timing, guys.

"JUST IN CASE"

In case of what do you carry a butcher knife in your purse? In case you're dating Jeffrey Dahmer?

Hat tip to Katherine.

HELP, I NEED SOMEBODY

As Phil Morgan writes about in today's Tribune, lots of hearty and ambitious souls stood in line on Friday at the Tampa audition for the TV show "The Apprentice."
It fascinated me to no end that hundreds of people would stand in the freezing cold for five hours just for the chance they might be selected for nationally televised humiliation.
I also was entertained by their wardrobe choices.
The guy on the left came straight from UPN's "Donnie Brasco" cattle call.
Considering the conditions, it was remarkable how well behaved the group was.
Still, some clearly had advantages others lacked.
This woman was employing the Theory of Indifferent Acquisition through use of oversized eyewear.
This woman brought a Hank Hill lookalike, forgetting she was auditioning for NBC, not Fox.
And, when all else fails, a short skirt will work just fine.
In the end, all were reduced to cellphone bots who wandered the halls delivering electronic postmortems to friends and families.

THIS DAY IN SIDE SALAD HISTORY

OKAY, NOW...

...this isn't funny. Not at all.

Okay, maybe it's a little bit funny. But just a little.

Personally, I would have bought her some Mary Kay.

YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO
WASH THE BIG RED TRUCK WHEN...

...the neighborhood kids sneak up to write "I love eggs + bacon" in the dirt on the side of the vehicle.

SHOOT THE POISON ARROW
THROUGH MY HEARRRRT

Apparently, there are a few among us with some significant Valentine's Day issues.

WAIT! WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE
STEVE GARVEY PATERNITY TESTS?

Quote of the day:

"Bodily fluids are not usually a big part of our collection.''

-- Baseball Hall of Fame vice president Jeff Idelson, talking about pitcher Curt Schilling's bloody white sock, worn while winning Game 2 of the World Series. The sock is now featured at the museum's World Series display.

AFTER THE LOVE IS GONE

Looks like the unofficial Mayor of Crazytown is shortening her name.
As I said before the election, I would have given anything, as a newspaperman, to have had her around for four years. She would have been 10 tons of fun.

WHY IS IT...

...that the people who want to be naked all the time are never the people you want to actually see unclothed?

Police ordered naked cyclists to get their gear back on in central Auckland yesterday, after arresting their leader for alleged indecent exposure.

Even so, motorists were treated to a "21-bum" salute, equating to the number of scantily-clad cyclists who rode in convoy to protest against the world's dependency on oil-fuelled transport.

They all had to wear underpants or briefs after the police intervention, although several female cyclists were allowed to remain topless, with or without body paint.

The expose was part of the World Naked Bike Ride, a growing movement in which cyclists in 15 countries are daubing their flesh with anti-oil slogans to "reclaim the streets for people", Auckland organiser Simon Oosterman said.

HRH - HER ROYAL HORSEFACE

One advantage Prince Charles has in marrying Camilla Parker Bowles:
...he can sleep with either of these two and no one will be able to tell the difference.

I'M JUST WILD ABOUT SAFFRON

So, the artist Christo finally has unveiled his latest art project.
Here's how one story describes it:

Its official title - "The Gates, Central Park, New York, 1979-2005" - refers to the artists' conception of the idea 26 years ago. It was expected to take about two hours to drop the fabric from all the gates.
"It's a bit insane, but that's why everybody is here," said Ali Naqui, who was brought to the unveiling against his will by his fiancee.
Among the first folks there were 17 fourth-graders from an elementary school in Queens. The group boarded a bus before sunrise and made the trip into Manhattan, where they were suitably impressed by the spectacle.
"It's a waste of money, but it's fabulous," said student Shakana Jayson. "It brings happiness when you look at it."

Michael Kimmelman of the New York Times, however, is inexplicably entranced by the entire thing. To such an extent that one wonders how much Kleenex it will take to clean him up afterwards:

Like all projects by this duo, "The Gates" is as much a public happening as it is a vast environmental sculpture and a feat of engineering. It has required more than 1 million square feet of vinyl and 5,300 tons of steel, arrayed along 23 miles of footpaths throughout the park at a cost (borne exclusively by the artists) of $20 million.

I hadn't been quite sure when I first saw the project going up last week. From outside the park, the gates looked like endless rows of inert orange dominoes overwhelming Frederick Law Olmsted's and Calvert Vaux's masterpiece.

But as the artists have insisted, the gates aren't made to be seen from above or from outside. I stopped in at a friend's office high above Central Park South yesterday and ogled the panorama, which was lovely. But it was beside the point. It's the difference between sitting in a skybox at Giants Stadium and playing the game on the field. The gates need to be - they are conceived to be - experienced on the ground, at eye level, where, as you move through the park, they crisscross and double up, rising over hills, blocking your view of everything except sky, then passing underfoot, through an underpass, or suddenly appearing through a copse of trees, their fabric fluttering in the corner of your eye.

There are no bad locales for seeing them.

Yeah, well, I saw the beginning stages of this pig back in mid-January. And I can say that it's been uglier longer than it's been a masterpiece, pal.


People living in the city have had to dodge a ridiculous number of concrete slabs for the better part of two months. This in a city that is less than accomodating when you ask it to take you in a cab to a place it can't understand.


It was hideous, really. And I enjoyed the view even less since it was the first time my wife and I had visited the city. Our first-ever carriage ride was full of nothing but these hazard-orange safety markers.


Giulliani would have never put up with this shit.

ANYONE FOR A BACK TAT?

I know what I'm getting my wife for Valentine's Day:

That's right, it's a Body Art Airbrush Tattoo kit.

Oh my.

Their Web site really sells the hell outta this thing.

The Body Art AirBrush Tattoo System is the cordless, easy-to-use spray system that creates great looking, temporary tattoos in just a few minutes. The CO2 airbrush sprayer uses a fine, gentle spray of henna-colored body paint to create stylish body art. It's so easy, simply apply stencil, lightly spray, remove stencil, dries in seconds and lasts up to one week. Includes CO2 airbrush sprayer, henna-colored body art paint, 3 disposable CO2 cartridges and 28 stylish stencils.

Benefits:
* Paint dries in seconds
* Tattoos last up to one week
* Quick and easy application

Nothing says, "I love you" like a gift that makes her roll over for a tramp stamp.

WE NOW INTERRUPT THIS
LENGTHY BLOG ABANDONMENT FOR
ACTUAL ORIGINAL CONTENT

Hey, remember when the Salad Bowl was chock full of new content? It may have been boring and stale, but at leat it was new.
Yeah, well, neither do I.
If it can be said that a craftsman never blames his tools, it can also be said that I have no excuse for my lengthy recent hiatus. Other than boredom, pent-up frustration that I didn't care to share with the readers here and a general apathy for producing all things written that didn't come with a paycheck attached. I can be so fickle that way.
Make no mistake: Interesting things did happen to me offline. Very interesting. Fascinating and mesmerizing, in fact. Some of these events even fell prey to my highly excitable Cannon PowerShot S500 Digital Elph. I just lacked the interest in taking the extra effort to upload, much less share with the general reading public.
I can be a selfish bastard at times.
But I'm all over that now. At least until the next soul-crushing moment depletes my interest in the world's more humorous and decadent peculiarities.
I was snapped back to reality when I got a message from The Rev. Joe Kendall the other day.
"What's w/ the salad?" he inquired.
And then I realized: I have a reader to entertain.
And that reminded me of one of my favorite songs, "Back In The Saddle" by Matraca Berg.

But you're so sweet, baby, you're so fine You bring the barbecue and I'll bring the wine We'll dance all night 'til your belt buckle shines

What does that stream-of-consciousnss mean? Dunno.
I guess I'm officially back in the saddle again.
Standin' up tall.

CELEBRITY DEATH HAIKU

Just found out that John Vernon, who played Dean Wormer in "National Lampoon's Animal House," died Thursday at age 72.
So I went looking on the Internet Movie Database for material and found one of his lines of dialogue from the film.
And it fit, with no trims or adjustments needed, into the perfect haiku meter.
What better way to write this guy's epitaph than to let his words speak for themselves.
"The time has come for Someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me."
PREVIOUS INSTALLMENTS OF CELEBRITY DEATH HAIKU
Julia Child Fay Wray Rick James

T-T-T-T-T-T-TOUCH MEEEEEE

Been a while since I last visted StatueMolesters.com, so I thought I'd go take a look and see if anything had changed.

It had. It's more vile and offensive than it was before.

And still crudely hilarious.

MIGHT AS WELL JUMP

Feeling bad about your place in life? Feel that your lot is unfair?

Feel better, friend.

At least you're not this guy.

SNAP SNAP

Those who know me will attest to this: I was born to drive this van.

THOSE BASTARDS!

Terrorists apparently have taken another hostage:

I wondered why he disappeared from my desk.

TERROR... STRONG... NUKULAR

Know what time it is, kids?

Why, tonight it's time to play...

The State of the Union Drinking Game!

My guess is Teresa Heinz Kerry started training her liver for the game on Nov. 3.

Hat tip to Jacqueline, who won't be able to find enough alcohol in the District of Columbia to drown her sorrows.